18 October 2007

School is killing me

School is seriously killing me this quarter. I'm taking three classes, two of which are online. The mistake that I made was taking hard subjects online. You really have to be disciplined to take the time to do the work, when you can do it any old time. You can always say, well I'll do it later....after the kids are in bed....when they get on the bus....later this weekend....there's always later. Then your midterms crop up and you're like, oh crap, I didn't really work as hard as I should have!

History is, of course, my favorite class and the one I am doing the best in. It's a lot of work and I am studying topics I haven't studied before, which is interesting and thought provoking. Math and science, are hard for me, not really very interesting to me and I just don't get it. So, naturally, I am almost failing both of those classes.

I am amazed at how school and my attitude about it is invading my life. I'm constantly grumpy, it seems, and I think it's because I hate school this quarter. I need to do these classes and fill the squares on my checklist of credits I need to graduate but I HATE THEM.

I came very close to withdrawing from one of them, but then I talked to the professor, and I thought about it, and I decided to stick it out, at least for a couple more weeks. If my kid came to me with this problem, I would probably advise them to keep working at it and see if things get better. So I decided to follow my own advice. The deadline for withdrawal isn't till 15 November. I'm already halfway through, so it's like I would have done the work for nothing, and I won't get any refund for the quarter. So...I've already paid (a LOT!) for school, and I've already put a lot of work in....I'm going to keep trying.

Come on, December! Finals week is the first week of December....then it will be over :)

13 October 2007

Thriving on Chaos

I apparently thrive on chaos.

I haven't posted anything in several days, because I've been out of town participating in an exercise with my military unit. The exercise began the moment we stepped off the plane. Actually, the fun began well before that. We reported at 1:00 pm. Got on the bus to out process at 2:00pm. Got to the terminal, after having gone through our chemical gear bags to make sure everything was there, at about 4:30 or so. I started to lose track of time so I can't be sure about that. We were supposed to take off at 9:50pm, but the aircraft was broke, so we waited around for it to be fixed. We actually took off at 1:30am. Got to Mississippi around 3:30, and then went for all of our briefings on how the exercise was going to go, and what we needed to do. After that, we took our bags to our rooms, then went to fill and sling sandbags for a while, and then had breakfast. The first opportunity to sleep came around 10:00 that morning. Ugh.

I worked nights with some great guys from my work section, so at least being with people who are fun to hang out with made it suck a little less. We worked 6p-6a and that first day, I honestly did not get out of bed all day. All day. Anyway, the rest of the exercise passed and things were fine, relatively speaking. We had fun and laughed when we could, worked hard, and we went home five days later. Exhausted.

Then, for me, the chaos continued. Matt left on a four day trip on Thursday and I was on my own with the kids. Getting back into the school day routine was tough, but fortunately the kids were off on Friday, so I only had to do it one day. So now, it's Saturday, and I'm trying to catch up mentally to where my body is. I have a ton of work for school that I need to turn in online this weekend, I need to get my house back in order, finish laundry, feed the kids, oh yeah I think we're supposed to go to a party tonight (!), and I want to get to the mall to get a gift for a friend who just had a baby. Always something to do.

Next week, there is something going on every night. Every single night.

I need a little bit of downtime!! Come on, Monday morning...when the kids go back to school. And the funny thing is, if things were quiet and there was nothing going on, I'd probably be complaining that I was bored and needed a little activity in my life.

I SO did not want to go on this exercise. And I don't particularly want to go on the inspection that the exercise was a dress rehearsal for. I will go, and I will do my best, because that is what I do, and that is what is expected of me. But WANT to? Nah. My fear is that a circumstance that is way beyond my control, and way above my pay grade, is going to bite me during the inspection, and my unit will get a black mark because of it. It is entirely too complicated to write out here but it relates directly to me. It affects me but I can't control it. The General doesn't care very much about what I do but he will care a great deal when he gets a black mark on the inspection grade card because of my office. I, and the other person in my office, have been trying to fix it the best we can for the last year or so, to no avail. But I just know that when it comes up during the inspection, I will be the one to take the fall for 'dropping the ball.' There are things you can control, and things you can't.

But still and all, I'm proud of myself for going outside of my comfort zone and doing things that I didn't think I could.

I've got to run, the coffee is done brewing. I'm going to need it; it's another day of running hard.