20 October 2008

Still feeling down, different reasons

I'm still feeling kind of down...a few days ago, it was over the loss, or more accurately, the realization of the loss of what I thought were two good friendships. Today I'm feeling down over our decision to put the oldest offspring on meds for ADHD. I have really mixed feelings about it. I feel certain that he needs something to help him but I thought if we worked hard enough at it, we wouldn't need to take meds. I am feeling like it is a result of things I've done, or failed to do, as a parent. Logically, I know that isn't true but it sure feels like I failed him somehow, that he needs meds.

I hit the wall last week, when he had gotten in trouble at school and lost recess time for not only that day, but next day as well. I asked him what happened, and when the story came out, I sort of lost it. He was behaving totally inappropriately, and doing things that will not be tolerated, nor should they be. When I asked him why he made the choice to do things he knew he shouldn't do, he couldn't answer me. Now, in all fairness, he was probably at least a little scared by that point because the volume was seriously raised in our conversation. Maybe I overreacted and maybe I didn't, but the fact remains that he did some things that could end up in him getting in a lot of trouble, and I don't want to diminish that reality for him. I WANT him to be a little scared of getting in trouble, and scared of crossing the line.

So, I have a call in to the pediatrician, who will prescribe the meds. We'll go for a consult as soon as we can get in. On the one hand, I feel resigned and maybe a little relieved. On the other hand, I feel like I failed. But I'm not really conflicted about whether to start the meds. I feel now, that if I don't do it, I'd be withholding treatment for him. I've been feeling like maybe I'm just too lax with him, and haven't been as good at guiding him and setting up structure as I should have been. But maybe, even if I'd been a drill sergeant with him, it wouldn't have mattered. Parenting, good or bad, doesn't really change brain chemistry does it?

What I need to do it stop feeling sorry for myself and for him and get on with doing what needs to be done. It could be so much worse....I'm not taking him to dialysis or chemo twice a week, for crying out loud. The poor kid is already something of a square peg. I know too well what it feels like to be the oddball in a given group, and I so don't want my kids to have to feel like that. As a parent it is difficult to see your child struggle, and although you know that challenges and struggles build character and make us who we are, you also know it sucks to struggle and you want to make things easier for your kid.

He'll come out ok....he'll learn to cope and maybe he'll always need meds and maybe he won't. But he will be just fine, and he'll be stronger for the challenge. I've always viewed him a little sensitive and not as tough as his brothers. But he's always surprised me too, with how well he adapts and handles things. This is so totally my issue and not his. Come on, Mom, put on your big girl pants and deal.

15 October 2008

Letting go

It's hard to let go.

After much hemming and hawing, and hoping for a different outcome, I have come to the decision (or maybe I have just seen that the decision is already made for me) that I have to let go of what I thought were two good friendships. I've written about this situation here before, but like a high school girl with her first heartbreak, I kept looking for crumbs of hope. I saw a returned email as evidence that the friendship didn't have to be over.

But, alas, I got my heart broken in high school, and in the end, I had to let go. Just as I have to now. I am really going to miss her. I already do. We haven't spoken in person since July, and I last got an email from her a month or so ago. In the email she was chatty, almost sounding like normal. I responded to that email and never heard back. I sent one a week or so ago, and nothing. The other good friendship that I seem to have lost, is with this girl's sister. The three of us were friends and I don't know if it is collateral damage but the sister isn't talking to me either.

I've been debating about whether to cut one last tie, a group that they invited me to join. I think I am going to bow out. There is nothing to be gained from forcing myself where I am not wanted, and making everyone else in the group uncomfortable too. I can only hope that the acquaintances I've made through them won't fall by the wayside too.

I've done what I can do repair the friendship but I have no control over her response, or lack thereof.

I"m just really sad about it.

09 October 2008

Found on a message board

I found this on a message board/forum today and thought it was fabulous. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I am in a very good place now, but I have been totally broke, totally jobless and had to depend on the kindness of my family and friends (who eventually got sick of it, and rightfully so) to have a place to sleep at night. And this was in the early 90's!! You remember, the good years. You know what? I had to quit whining, get off my butt and get a job. And then another job. Yeah, it sucked. But whose job is it to take care of you? YOURS. Not the government's. Home ownership isn't a right. A college education isn't a right. I'm no Constitutional scholar, but I am pretty certain there relatively few things guaranteed therein, among them "life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness." You have to go get it. It isn't issued by the government.

My admiration to the author (whose screen name and email have been removed) :

"I do love my country--I love the principles it was founded upon and I love being a woman in these days here. I don't necessarily love all aspects of my government nor all the citizens of this country. I heard a local DJ say yesterday that there was a poll in the Wall Street Journal that said 59% of Americans said if they could, they'd throw out all members of Congress. Maybe I misunderstood where the poll was, as I didn't find it online. However, I have to say that I agree with the sentiment. Both parties sold us down the river on this bailout and as Alec Baldwin said, they should be ashamed.

As far as Americans go--they want a candidate of any party that will pat them on the head and say "those lenders were predatory, it's not your fault". The hell it's not! I don't disagree there was predatory lending, nor do I disagree that Congress forced banks years ago to lend to people that weren't credit-worthy so that everybody got to realize their dream of home ownership. That was stupid and yes, Congress is again accountable--but so are the individuals! I have never heard of a bank president forcing somebody to sign a loan document at gunpoint. If you earned $30k and got a loan for $400k, that's on you. If you're living paycheck to paycheck (at best) and charging restaurants and vacations, that's on you, too. I am sick of fiscally irresponsible individuals that want and want and want because they're "entitled to it". They are greedy consumers whose wants are greater than their income.

Many of America's citizens have turned into a bunch of lazy whiners and pussies with a mantra of "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme". There was a somewhat long emailed question in the debate last night from a woman that lived through the depression. Her final question was something like "What does the government think we should give up?" I have a great deal of admiration for the people of my grandmother's era that lived through the depression. They had the intestinal fortitude and the ambition to do what needed to be done in order to survive and have necessities. America's current couch potatoes couldn't hold a candle to those folks--they're too worried where their next Whopper is going to come from. We have candidates whom are being judged by these people on who will give them the best "gimmes". We have the modern day Robin Hood who wants to steal from the most productive and redistribute income to the least productive. Keep your "change" and your "fairness" and kiss my a$$! I will happily pay my share of taxes, obviously the expensive war included, but I don't feel like paying somebody else's share just because I can. And to Sen. McCain, who wants to buy bad homeowner mortgages, a special "salute" to you too, for not only rewarding fiscal stupidity, but laying it on the backs of the responsible taxpayers that didn't cause the problem.

Wake up, people! Make your OWN life. If your expenses are greater than your income, you either need to cut expenses or increase income (i.e., another job). Our parents and/or grandparents weren't too proud, nor did they feel it was beneath them to have 2nd or 3rd jobs for their necessities. They didn't go on vacations c/o Uncle Mastercard or Aunt Visa. In addition, maybe it's not the right time for you to have that new baby, puppy, or new car as they're not cheap. Honestly, what right do you have to suck off the tit of the most productive? You aren't entitled to health insurance or a living wage. The first is a commodity that you purchase through an employer or on your own and the second is something you earn. Hint: McDonald's is for teenagers to learn responsibility unless you are on a management track. If you love flipping burgers, that is wonderful--but don't expect to live on Park Avenue. That's the way it is. Have some pride, pull yourself up, and stop expecting a damned handout on the tab of other Americans. Signed, Sick and Tired"

Daddy's boy

My youngest son was leaving with my husband today, to go run a couple of errands. He's a total Daddy's boy. Total.

He gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye, and I asked him, "Hey little man, why don't you want to stay home with Mom while Daddy goes?" and he responded, "I love you Mommy, but I like Daddy better."

Little creep. I wonder why it is that your child can break your heart like no one else can?

I'll get over it, though. In fact, I already have. Because I have the whole house to myself, peace and quiet all afternoon :)