Tough love

Let me start by saying I love my husband's children as if they were my own. Truly, truly I do. There are two of them and they are two very, very different people. Neither of them lived with us as children but the older one, B, lived with us for a year after college. He got a full time job, wasn't 100% sure what he wanted to do, but he just needed a place to crash for a while, and so he was here. We didn't make him pay rent but he paid for his own stuff....car, gas, insurance, going out money, etc. Every now and again he'd ask for help with something and we usually did. He helped us out by taking care of the house if we went away for a couple of days, helped with the kids, and took care of the older two when I had to go the hospital to have #3 forced out, I mean, induced....he contributed to the household and the arrangement worked out fine. When he moved out for good, part of me was sad to see him go, although I knew that it was time.

Well, the situation with L is little different. She's kind of always held us at arm's length, and we're her last resort, it seems. She is 24 years old, lives at home with her mother, graduated from college a year ago, and works weekends at a local restaurant/casino type establishment. She says that she is sending out resumes and looking for another job to supplement the weekend gig, but nothing has come up yet. Frankly I question how motivated she is, and how much time she is putting into her job search, because if I send her email or a note on Facebook, it is generally answered within 5 minutes. I know that her mother has her doing work around the house, taking care of their animals and such. I don't think she pays rent and she is driving her mother's car, not having one of her own. Which brings me to my point.

When her mother gets fed up with her, she threatens to take the car away and kick her out, and then it's always "Dad, can I come live with you?" We've always told her that we'd do the same for her that we did for B, and she is welcome to live with us. Today we got an email that "The deadline for Mom taking the car away is coming up quick and I need help. If I don't have a car I won't be able to drive myself to work. Can you please help me get a car?"

I have a few questions. How long have we known about the deadline coming up? How long did we have to start putting out some real effort to get a car of our own?
If you live at home and have zero expenses, how is it that you have so little money in the bank? If you only work weekends, that gives you all week long to go out and try to find some other part time gig that would bring in more money. At 24, it's time to be a grown up now. When I was 24, I'd been in the military for nearly four years. At 24, my husband and his ex-wife (B & L's mom) were married, had a child and were managing their own lives without any help from their parents.

And with a college degree no less, you can do better than bussing tables. Now, in fairness, we helped B get a car...actually we gave him one of ours. We were getting ready to buy a new one, and rather than trade in the old one, we gave it to him. It was several years old and was hardly his first choice but beggars can't be choosers. And we've always said, whatever we do for B, we have to be willing to do for L. I'm willing to help but only up to a point.

Am I completely heartless and cruel because I don't really feel like this is our problem to solve? Am I the evil stepmother? I'm frustrated because I know in my heart, from past experience, whatever we do will somehow not be enough, and we'll be blamed for the whole mess. I've told him (the husband) that he needs to get together in person with L and her mother and stop this email back and forth, between him and L, him and the ex-wife, and who knows what the ex-wife is telling L at home? He said, she said, to the nth degree. The three of them need to sit down and solve the problem. Make a plan and then do it. A little less talk and a little more action.

It's time to be a grown up now. Take responsibility for your own needs, figure out what you want and how to get there, and then go do it. The problem is that B was encouraged, even pushed, to grow up and be a man, get out of the house, go live your life, as boys often are, especially boys of divorced mothers who (either consciously or not) ask them to be the man of the house after Dad moves out. L was pampered and babied and not taught any of the lessons she needed to be ready to take care of herself. She is not prepared to be an adult. I love her and I want to see her succeed, but I don't think that Mom and Dad giving her everything and taking care of everything for her is doing her any favors.

Definitely need to pray on this.

Can't do it

but I'm thinking about it a lot. I really miss flying. I've toyed off and on with the idea of going back to flying quite a lot over the last almost 10 years, since I flew my last mission as a C141C loadmaster. There are more reasons, good ones, not to do it, than there are to do it.

But still. I miss it. It was fun and exciting. Yeah, frustrating too. And it was easy for me to be away from home for a week or more at a time. No kids, no school, nothing to worry about. Life looks a lot different these days, and if I were to go back, assuming I could even get a load slot in the squadron, it would be hard. I'd have to be away for four months straight for training, then I'd be on active duty and at the mercy of my scheduler and the airplane for another year. C5's don't exactly have a good reliability rate and 4 day trips often turn into 12 day trips, waiting on parts and maintenance.

How would we handle me traveling again? The hub's job pays way better and he needs to be able to count on me being home when he goes to work. Unless we had a live-in nanny, it would just never work. Plus....as much as I miss flying, I don't really think I could be away from the fam for four months without some serious heartburn. If I was mobilized and ordered to active duty involuntarily that would be one thing. But to choose it...I don't know. I want to have a job/career that is meaningful and fulfilling, don't get me wrong. I'm just not willing to do it at the expense of my family. There is more than one way to have a meaningful career. I want to be there for my kids and not miss track meets and baseball games, and teacher conferences and all those things. And frankly, I think they need me here too.

I really do like what I do now. The big drawback is the lack of promotion potential. There is none. Zero. And I do want to get promoted someday. It's time. It will happen eventually, but my co-HO will have to leave/retire and I don't want her to go. I adore her and we make a good team, both as friends and professionally. When she leaves the office I will get the stripe. You gotta take the good with bad, I guess.

Just getting all nostalgic, I think. I left flying before I got all grumpy and bitter about it, so I always remember it through my rose colored glasses. I have conveniently forgotten what a pain it could be at times, how much I hated certain aspects of the job. But when I go back and read my journals from those days, it wasn't always sunshine and butterflies. Things really do happen for a reason, and sometimes, it just wasn't meant to be. Home is where I am supposed to be. While I miss flying and always will, I'm good with being home.