23 March 2009

I'm still alive...

and still hanging on the last of this damnable cough. It's gone beyond all semblance of reasonable. But it's almost gone, finally. The worst thing is, I feel like I always need to clear my throat.

I've been incommunicado for quite a while now. But some good things going on here...winter quarter is over, YAY! I'm on spring break, and waiting for grades to come out. I think I did pretty well in history, but literature is really a crapshoot. I worked hard on my final paper and I feel like I did what I was supposed to do. Is it "A" work? I don't know, I think it's pretty close, but I also thought my other work in the class was pretty good, but sadly the instructor disagreed. So, I'll just have to wait a few more days to find out. I did get into the online lit class for summer I wanted, which will complete my English requirement for graduation. Next school year, I will have to suck it up and take three classes each quarter but then I. WILL. BE. DONE. FINISHED. GRADUATED. Could it really be???

UC approved a program that allows outside training, such as military training, to be used for college credit, and I got a TRUCKLOAD of hours toward my degree from my military transcripts. In fact, I have more hours than I need to graduate! But they're not all applicable to the things I still need to complete like foreign language. But still, one more year, and that's it. That is so exciting that I can't really think about it.

In other news, I finally got some closure, if that is the right phrase, on a situation I had with a couple of people I thought were my friends. I pissed and moaned about it here awhile back. I bumped into one of them at the Y, on the track. I was walking with my headphones in, listening to music. The most I'd have done was say hi. She was walking on the track with her nose buried in a book, making a HUGE point of ignoring me. Now, I ask you, who goes to the gym, to walk on the track while READING A BOOK? This pissed me off beyond all reason. For the love of God, don't be such a baby, just say what you've got to say.

Knowing that these two girls are not ones for grown-up conversation (meaning they'd rather ignore you and cut off an entire friendship than just be honest and have the uncomfortable conversation) and phone calls would be ignored and then not returned, I used the only means of communication that I knew they'd see. I emailed both of them and said that I had tried to be patient and had spent the better part of the last several months hurt and confused, wondering what I had done to deserve being cut off so rudely and lacking any input from either of them, I had come to the conclusion that I didn't deserve it. I said that it hurt me and made me sad that they'd both rather write off a friendship than to just be honest and be a grown up, and have the uncomfortable conversation, but that I obviously couldn't control that.

Well, they both wrote me back rather quickly and let me know that I did indeed do things that they didn't like. I was told that my negativity literally sucked the life out of A, and that all we had in common was shopping and enjoying playing with makeup. Wow, could she think of me as any shallower? And J had thought the only thing we had in common was the fact that our kids were friends, but once our kids were not in the same class, that our "friendship" had just sort of drifted away. Both of these lame excuses are, not to put too fine a point on things, BULL. SHIT. Granted, when I was close with A, I was going through what was arguably one of the two worst times of my life. And maybe I didn't handle everything the way she thought I should. But if I'd known that was the parameter of the friendship, I might have done a whole lot of things differently. J is just full of it....we were friends after our kids weren't in the same class at school, for a couple of years.

What I have taken away from it, is that I am longer hurt and upset about the loss of these two supposed friends. Their responses tell me that this whole thing was more about them than it was about me. Neither of them was willing to be upfront about what they were thinking and feeling, so instead they both just blew me off. Yeah, they're related, they're sisters, which is why I keep referring to them as a unit. I never thought of them like that until they started acting exactly the same. In fact, A used to talk smack to me about J quite a bit, and was pretty harsh about her, but now all of a sudden they are super close and I am "attacking" their family? Whatever. Neither of them appears to have any traits of a mature grown woman, and neither of them can be trusted as far as they can be thrown. Lesson learned the hard way. I'm still upset but it's now about the way they treated me in ending the friendship rather than being upset that the friendship is over.

The oldest offspring is beginning to worry me again....a med issue. He is very limited in the types and dosages of meds he can take, he just can't tolerate a lot of them. But he's become habituated to the one he can take, and he seems to be slipping into some unacceptable behaviors. I don't want to be yelling and scolding and correcting all the time, but how he is behaving is not ok. He's going to be 9 this weekend, and it's early still but I'm wondering if he's beginning to deal with some hormones that are making him get a little more attitude-y. He just seems to be incapable of getting himself under control, and behaving appropriately. Or at least, his ability to do that is umm, intermittent. Today was kind of a bad day so maybe it's just one day. Here's hoping tomorrow is better.

I'm training for a 10K in May, and I plan to register for a half-marathon in September and a 10-mile race in October. Running is still my refuge, a place where I can go where it's just me and my legs and my lungs. Pushing myself to see how far I can go. I get away from everything and everyone when it's time for a run, and it's about the only time I can be alone with myself. I'm not trying to fix anything or anyone, I'm not worrying about money or school or the kids or my marriage, I'm just pickin' 'em up and puttin' 'em down. It's kinda cool.


Jenn said...

Well...I for one am glad you are still breathing!

The issues with those "supposed" friends...yeah...it sucks...I've been there...but you know you don't need the aggravation if they aren't going to be mature adults about things.

As for your son...don't know much about his meds or why he takes them...so...all I can say is that I have been down the road of behavior hell...if you need an ear shoot me an email!

As for the bronchitis thing and recovery...from all your blogs I read, it sounds like the bronchial pneumonia I had that was followed by plueresy. (SP?). I also got the scratch throat...I KID YOU NOT...thought I'd just go have it checked and I'll be damned if I wasn't positive for strep throat the A strand (as if I know the different strands by heart) I guess it took me by surprise because I wasn't feeling bad...just my throat was very scratchy and I couldn't clear it and I wasn't having a "drainage" issue. So when she told me I was floored.

Well..I've hogged your comment space enough. One of these days I am going to call ya and we'll chat for awhile. Of course, I gotta find time, which I don't have a lot of. Hang in there...

(FUNNY---thinking back...never ever once thought of you as a negative person...just fyi...I was surprised that someone would think that of ya!)

Take Care, Jenn.

Some Suburban Mom said...

Like you, Jenn, I don't know how to respond to a comment other than this.

I am kind of surprised at myself, how much this "friend" issue is staying with me. I mean, it's been quite a long time and I'm still upset by it. I will eventually get over it though, I know :)

My son is taking 5mg of Focalin daily for ADHD. His issue is mainly inattentiveness but he also has a lack of focus and some impulse control problems going on. We tried to tinker with his meds once to HORRIBLE effects...it was just plain scary how he reacted to an increase in his dosage, and he's already on a very low dose. So increasing the dose isn't really an option but it's hard to deal with the behavior sometimes. And some of it is that he shows some signs of Asperger's but not enough to warrant a clinical diagnosis, so he's got these behaviors that are almost mindless, like he does them without thinking. And he's got impulse control problems so even if he thinks about it and realizes he's doing it he has a really hard time stopping himself. They're inappropriate, annoying, but not horrible. Like he likes ears...he'll fiddle with his own earlobes and then he starts doing it to other people. He's totally not thinking there's anything wrong with it, but he needs to be able to keep his hands to himself. We're trying to work on redirecting him so that when he feels like he wants/needs to do that, he finds something else to do with his hands. That kind of thing.
I'm going to call my doctor again, and try to get in next week. It does sound the same...I don't feel bad, just the cough once in a while and not being able to keep my throat clear. I'm a little tired, but I'm always a little tired it seems.
Thanks for reading and posting :) I'd love a chance to catch up in person but I hear ya, time is a hot commodity around here too!