I think I'm just about done feeling sorry for myself over the hopefully-not-permanently-broken-but-damaged-nonetheless relationship I was talking about a few days ago. I guess I just needed to get it all out, and now I'm pretty much feeling even-keeled, and "c'est la vie" and even kind of grown-up about it. This poor girl has a lot of issues that have nothing to do with me and while I can support her and pray for her and leave the door open and the light on for her, she is really the only one who can choose to knock. So I feel content in the knowledge that I have done everything I can, and the rest is up to....not me. The potential loss of the relationship is still sad, but it's not something I control. Let go and let God.
Back to my regularly scheduled, school-age-boy, not-enough-time-in-the-day, my-husband-is-gone-again-driven chaos.
Today was a day about keeping things in perspective. I was feeling kind of frazzled and rushed most of the day, because as usual, I had tried to cram too many things into too short a time period. I had a meeting at work at the somewhat local military base (45 minute drive, one way). Then Curly had a birthday party to go to this afternoon, for which I had neglected to buy a gift. Then pick up Moe and Larry at school, get their homework done and hustle them to a friend's house who was kind enough to watch them for me while I went to school. Oh yeah....read two chapters of one book and nine of another, and write a coherent paper. Which I of course had had plenty of time to do, but kept putting off.
I sent the hubster to the store to get a pink and princess-y gift for the birthday girl....he's so good at that! He picked out the perfect thing and was (rightfully) very pleased with himself. I went to my meeting and flew by the seat of my pants for the rest of the day, getting the paper written and the chapters at least skimmed. I really should have finished college when the boys were younger. Or when the last one goes off to all-day school. Or some other, more convenient time.
While I was at my meeting with my friend and co-worker Chris, I was whining just a little bit about how hectic my weekend had been and how hectic the week was going to be with Hubster gone from last Thursday till Wednesday night. Wah. Poor me. A a total of seven days, with one of those nights spent at home (he came home Sunday and left again on Monday). Chris told me about his flying schedule for March, which includes sixteen days straight, away from home.
Hmm. Well. 7 days isn't sounding so bad.
There are times that his schedule...well, it just sucks. No other way to put it. And as the dudes are getting older and into more stuff, it gets harder to get them all to their activities when it's just me. But there are loads of other times when his schedule rocks. Like when he gets to go in Curly's preschool class and be the "parent reader" for the week. Or when he gets up and puts my coffee on, and starts getting the dudes moving so I can sleep in for an extra half-hour (OK, an extra hour). Or when he picks up Curly from school mid-day and takes him out for a Daddy and little dude lunch and playdate, partly because he wants to and partly because I need a quiet house to write an article or a paper for school. When he works, he goes away for a few days at a time. But when he's off, he's home and no one from the office is calling, and he doesn't bring any work home, ever. It's a little crazy but it's ours.
In any case, I've hit my mental reset button, and I've got a fresh perspective on my troubled relationship, on M's crazy work schedule, and life is good.
Got to remember to count those blessings. As I was walking through the most frustrating parts of my day, I thanked God for them, because having frustrating moments is better than having no moments, and I repeated to myself "attitude of gratitude." So maybe a few times, it was through gritted teeth, since I gave up yelling for Lent, but it's progress. I must have looked like a crazy woman, walking through the parking garage at school talking to myself, but I felt better.
22 February 2010
12 February 2010
It hurts
to try so hard to have a relationship with someone who so obviously does not want to have one.
I've been trying very hard to have a relationship with someone....trying to be there and be helpful....trying to do the right thing.....trying to just be a friend to a particular person. Who clearly does not want it.
I've kept trying because I thought it was the right thing to do, for myself, for that person and for other people in my life. I've kept trying because that is what you do when you love someone. You never regret trying, but you might very well regret it if you don't.
But I think I'm at the point where I have to acknowledge that this person is a grown-up capable of making their own decisions, and they choose....not me. That really hurts.
But saying it out loud, really getting it, is a relief, in a way. Kind of like ripping the band-aid off. I don't know what else I could possibly have done to make things work, and now I'm going to....stop trying. The door will always be open, but they're going to have to come knocking.
You know why I keep banging my head against a brick wall? Because it feels good when I stop.
I've been trying very hard to have a relationship with someone....trying to be there and be helpful....trying to do the right thing.....trying to just be a friend to a particular person. Who clearly does not want it.
I've kept trying because I thought it was the right thing to do, for myself, for that person and for other people in my life. I've kept trying because that is what you do when you love someone. You never regret trying, but you might very well regret it if you don't.
But I think I'm at the point where I have to acknowledge that this person is a grown-up capable of making their own decisions, and they choose....not me. That really hurts.
But saying it out loud, really getting it, is a relief, in a way. Kind of like ripping the band-aid off. I don't know what else I could possibly have done to make things work, and now I'm going to....stop trying. The door will always be open, but they're going to have to come knocking.
You know why I keep banging my head against a brick wall? Because it feels good when I stop.
10 February 2010
He never ceases to amaze me
Funny thing how God works.
Our furnace went out sometime during the night. I didn't notice, not right away, because I have flannel sheets that I was wrapped up in. Last night I noticed a faint burny smell in the bedroom, but Matt deduced that he had replaced the light bulb in the ceiling fan fixture with the wrong bulb, turned it off and the smell went away. Mystery solved.
This morning, he came in to get the space heater, as I was waking up. He said, "The furnace is out." I said, "WHAT?" He said, "The furnace is out." I said, "WHAT?" We did this a couple more times. I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly. The furnace CAN'T go out; we're in the middle of a big storm. Surely the furnace is not that cruel.
But the AirTron rescue guy was already on his way. Long story short, the blower motor crashed. Big time. Hard broke. To the tune of $900. (please, feel free to click the ads on the sidebar).
Here's the funny part. The oldest offspring, who is away at Army Officer Candidate School, called and said that the quickie Vegas wedding he's been planning (there is a whole story there....there is going to be a proper wedding later, after the deployment neither of them is willing go through unmarried) is turning into a circus, with too many people, so they were thinking of having it just be the two of them, rather than a group of family that keeps growing and growing. We had been planning on going, all of us. Tickets were going be expensive but I wouldn't miss even the quickie wedding before the real wedding for the world. When he called, he said, "You know, maybe the wedding should just be me and the girl. I hate to say it but maybe it's best if everyone just waits till the big wedding later on."
Funny how we saved about $1500 on airline tickets just before we needed to spend $900 on the furnace.
Just sayin.
Our furnace went out sometime during the night. I didn't notice, not right away, because I have flannel sheets that I was wrapped up in. Last night I noticed a faint burny smell in the bedroom, but Matt deduced that he had replaced the light bulb in the ceiling fan fixture with the wrong bulb, turned it off and the smell went away. Mystery solved.
This morning, he came in to get the space heater, as I was waking up. He said, "The furnace is out." I said, "WHAT?" He said, "The furnace is out." I said, "WHAT?" We did this a couple more times. I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly. The furnace CAN'T go out; we're in the middle of a big storm. Surely the furnace is not that cruel.
But the AirTron rescue guy was already on his way. Long story short, the blower motor crashed. Big time. Hard broke. To the tune of $900. (please, feel free to click the ads on the sidebar).
Here's the funny part. The oldest offspring, who is away at Army Officer Candidate School, called and said that the quickie Vegas wedding he's been planning (there is a whole story there....there is going to be a proper wedding later, after the deployment neither of them is willing go through unmarried) is turning into a circus, with too many people, so they were thinking of having it just be the two of them, rather than a group of family that keeps growing and growing. We had been planning on going, all of us. Tickets were going be expensive but I wouldn't miss even the quickie wedding before the real wedding for the world. When he called, he said, "You know, maybe the wedding should just be me and the girl. I hate to say it but maybe it's best if everyone just waits till the big wedding later on."
Funny how we saved about $1500 on airline tickets just before we needed to spend $900 on the furnace.
Just sayin.
09 February 2010
I think I'm glad....
to be back from my vacation. I went with my very good friend on a cruise last week. Not just any cruise, but the K-LOVE Friends and Family cruise.
If you don't know, K-LOVE is a radio station that plays contemporary Christian music. Sounds remarkably like pop or rock music, only with a Christian message. They have this cruise every year, and invite several bands to play on the ship. So, the cruise is basically a floating week-long concert. We went to Coco Cay, Royal Caribbean's private island, and Nassau. Wonderful, relaxing trip. Good company, great music, met some new friends, and a great surprise....I love the show The Biggest Loser. Sean Algaier, from Season 8, was on the boat too, and he led sunrise workouts every day. I HATE getting up early. But I did, just to work out with him. Plus it just felt good to work out. Chris Tomlin, Louie Giglio (who is about one of the best speakers I've ever heard), the (new) Newsboys, Tenth Avenue North, MercyMe, Downhere, 33 Miles, Fireflight, Big Daddy Weave.....man, it just rocked.
So, a successful vacation. Sun, sand, music, sleep.
And snow. We came home to snow. Lots of it.
But on the upside, they offered a "liberal reschedule" for UTA. I was supposed to get in Friday night and then go to work Saturday morning, which would have been brutal, but a small price to pay. Nice bonus that I could reschedule my drill weekend, with no repercussions. Woot!
This week has mostly been about the snow. Monday was a pretty normal day, but today was a snow day, and tomorrow has already been called. We don't have it nearly as bad as they do further east, we don't have feet and feet of snow, but we've got enough. Moe, Larry and Curly were thrilled to get to have a Wii tournament today (we have a rule about video games on school days)and Larry and Curly spent most of the afternoon outside "helping" Dad fix the snow blower. Till they were frozen. And still got mad when it was time to come in.
So....what to do tomorrow? Guess we'll do more of the same. I'm really starting to notice the difference when they'd rather play and hang out with their friends than hang out with me. I guess I thought I'd have a little more time before that became my reality. I know they still like hanging out with Mom and Dad, but I was really looking forward to just doing stuff together today....playing video games, watching a movie in a pile on the family room floor, reading, stuff like that. But the doorbell rang in the late morning, and Larry's friend came over, and that was that.
I was so glad to get home. I loved my trip...I am usually juggling a fair amount of things, between the kids and their school/activities, my school and work, and just life in general. It's not that I never get time to myself or the opportunity to do something for myself, but I really miss traveling sometimes. And even when I'm "supposed" to be taking it easy at home, there is always something that captures my attention, that I feel like I should be doing (like folding laundry) so that it makes it harder to completely detach, at home. That's one of my things with my darling husband....sometimes I'm insanely jealous of how he gets to pack a suitcase several times each month and just take off. I used to do that. Before the kids, of course. And I don't think I'd want to do it as much as he does, anymore. But just once in a while, I want to. Just go away for a couple days.
So, yeah, loved the trip. Loved calling him, and saying, "Oh I just checked into my hotel room....ooohhhh, yeah, it's a nice room, look at that view!" Even though the view was a half-empty parking lot. It was just nice to have a turn at that. But getting back....was so much sweeter than being away. There really is nothing like the pure and unvarnished adoration of a child. A kid who flings himself at you, full-bore, screaming at the top of his lungs, "MOM! I MISSED YOU! I"M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK!"
Not much can top that. In fact, I can't think of a single thing. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing so much more, with my time, with my life. And when I look at my kids, I wonder, what else could I possibly do that would mean more? Really?
Now, if I could just find some way to make the laundry disappear.....
If you don't know, K-LOVE is a radio station that plays contemporary Christian music. Sounds remarkably like pop or rock music, only with a Christian message. They have this cruise every year, and invite several bands to play on the ship. So, the cruise is basically a floating week-long concert. We went to Coco Cay, Royal Caribbean's private island, and Nassau. Wonderful, relaxing trip. Good company, great music, met some new friends, and a great surprise....I love the show The Biggest Loser. Sean Algaier, from Season 8, was on the boat too, and he led sunrise workouts every day. I HATE getting up early. But I did, just to work out with him. Plus it just felt good to work out. Chris Tomlin, Louie Giglio (who is about one of the best speakers I've ever heard), the (new) Newsboys, Tenth Avenue North, MercyMe, Downhere, 33 Miles, Fireflight, Big Daddy Weave.....man, it just rocked.
So, a successful vacation. Sun, sand, music, sleep.
And snow. We came home to snow. Lots of it.
But on the upside, they offered a "liberal reschedule" for UTA. I was supposed to get in Friday night and then go to work Saturday morning, which would have been brutal, but a small price to pay. Nice bonus that I could reschedule my drill weekend, with no repercussions. Woot!
This week has mostly been about the snow. Monday was a pretty normal day, but today was a snow day, and tomorrow has already been called. We don't have it nearly as bad as they do further east, we don't have feet and feet of snow, but we've got enough. Moe, Larry and Curly were thrilled to get to have a Wii tournament today (we have a rule about video games on school days)and Larry and Curly spent most of the afternoon outside "helping" Dad fix the snow blower. Till they were frozen. And still got mad when it was time to come in.
So....what to do tomorrow? Guess we'll do more of the same. I'm really starting to notice the difference when they'd rather play and hang out with their friends than hang out with me. I guess I thought I'd have a little more time before that became my reality. I know they still like hanging out with Mom and Dad, but I was really looking forward to just doing stuff together today....playing video games, watching a movie in a pile on the family room floor, reading, stuff like that. But the doorbell rang in the late morning, and Larry's friend came over, and that was that.
I was so glad to get home. I loved my trip...I am usually juggling a fair amount of things, between the kids and their school/activities, my school and work, and just life in general. It's not that I never get time to myself or the opportunity to do something for myself, but I really miss traveling sometimes. And even when I'm "supposed" to be taking it easy at home, there is always something that captures my attention, that I feel like I should be doing (like folding laundry) so that it makes it harder to completely detach, at home. That's one of my things with my darling husband....sometimes I'm insanely jealous of how he gets to pack a suitcase several times each month and just take off. I used to do that. Before the kids, of course. And I don't think I'd want to do it as much as he does, anymore. But just once in a while, I want to. Just go away for a couple days.
So, yeah, loved the trip. Loved calling him, and saying, "Oh I just checked into my hotel room....ooohhhh, yeah, it's a nice room, look at that view!" Even though the view was a half-empty parking lot. It was just nice to have a turn at that. But getting back....was so much sweeter than being away. There really is nothing like the pure and unvarnished adoration of a child. A kid who flings himself at you, full-bore, screaming at the top of his lungs, "MOM! I MISSED YOU! I"M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK!"
Not much can top that. In fact, I can't think of a single thing. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing so much more, with my time, with my life. And when I look at my kids, I wonder, what else could I possibly do that would mean more? Really?
Now, if I could just find some way to make the laundry disappear.....
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