12 February 2010

It hurts

to try so hard to have a relationship with someone who so obviously does not want to have one.

I've been trying very hard to have a relationship with someone....trying to be there and be helpful....trying to do the right thing.....trying to just be a friend to a particular person. Who clearly does not want it.

I've kept trying because I thought it was the right thing to do, for myself, for that person and for other people in my life. I've kept trying because that is what you do when you love someone. You never regret trying, but you might very well regret it if you don't.

But I think I'm at the point where I have to acknowledge that this person is a grown-up capable of making their own decisions, and they choose....not me. That really hurts.

But saying it out loud, really getting it, is a relief, in a way. Kind of like ripping the band-aid off. I don't know what else I could possibly have done to make things work, and now I'm going to....stop trying. The door will always be open, but they're going to have to come knocking.

You know why I keep banging my head against a brick wall? Because it feels good when I stop.


Lynn said...

Ouch. Yes, I've been there: A friend who always seemed too busy for me. I don't know if it will help in your situation, but eventually it helped me to realize that being a good friend sometimes means giving a person space. Maybe she needed to grow in a different direction than I was growing or just needed more time for herself. Maybe needed to do things on her own. Whatever the reason, it helped me to think that I was loving her best by letting her go. I think it was kind of selfish of me to want her to spend time with me and not be so busy. Still hurts, though.

Sorry. Hugs. Hope you feel better.

Marianne Thomas said...

I'm sorry to hear that - it takes a great deal of courage to give and to open up only to feel like it isn't working.

I agree with Lynn; we never really know why we our attempts to connect with those around us fail. She's right in that it usually less about us and more about what's going on in their lives that we don't see.

Anyhoooo...I'm glad you let me in on your blog! I'm enjoying it!

Some Suburban Mom said...

Thank you thank you. Most of the time I realize what you are both saying is true, but some days I fall victim to that mental trap where you think, If only I were a better person, they'd see and then things would be different. If only I'd done or said that one thing, THAT would make the difference. And it's not true! You're both right, it's not so much about me, it's not within my sphere of influence. Thanks :)