I keep saying that, don't I? Lame excuse for being lazy and tongue-tied. Can you be tongue-tied if you are typing and not speaking? Hmmm....
Ongoing issues with the 9 year old and his meds. I so wish he didn't need the meds, or that I could find some way to help him not need them. So many times I feel like I fail him, by losing my patience when he needs me to be the grown-up, or by leaving him to his own devices to figure out how to cope with ADHD and anxiety. This hasn't been a good week for us...he's not only not doing his work at school, he's lying about whether it's done or not, and weaseling out of punishments. He was supposed to come back to his classroom after lunch to finish some work the other day and he just decided he'd rather go outside so he did. You can't not go to detention! I don't think it's detention per se, but the 4th grade version of it. Anyway, not a good week, and I'm not handling it very well.
I picked up a packet of stuff after school today, to make a presentation at school for Veteran's Day. I'm going to be in the second grade classroom with the 7 year old, and there's a story to read and a few activities. I read the story standing in the kitchen and promptly burst into tears. How am I going to read it to the kids? I love to go in on Veterans' Day...I always go in uniform, and I really like doing it. I think it's so important for kids to have positive images of military people and realize that they/we are just normal people, moms and dads, and not the sometimes really ugly things that the media puts out there. I just posted something on my Facebook page....an article about how 75% of America's youth (people in the prime recruiting age range) are either "too fat, too lazy, too dumb or too dishonest to get into the Army." Article's words, not mine. Obese, can't pass a test, don't come to appointments on time if at all, or have a criminal record. 75%. Horrifying.
I get that the military isn't for everyone. I get how scary it is to watch your child do something that could potentially get them killed. But ponder this: every person in uniform is someone's kid. Thank God someone's kids answer their nation's call; where would we be if no one did? I have heard, more times than I care to think about, parents say things like, "My kid will join the military over my dead body." A mom in Seth's ADHD therapy group told us (the other parents) that her son wanted to be a Marine, but she looked him in the eye and lied to him, telling him they wouldn't take him because of having ADHD. And she was PROUD of lying to him. I nearly bit my tongue in half....so, let me get this straight. It's perfectly OK for other people's kids to put on the uniform and go to war. Just not YOUR kid. I tried not to, but I had to say something. I just said that I had been in the service for 18 years, and I was still here to tell the tale. It's not a prison sentence or a death sentence.
After I calmed down, I got to thinking, why do people feel this way? What is so wrong with serving your country? If it's about the danger, we're all in danger all the time. You don't have to be a soldier carrying a gun to have a horrible accident, to get in a car crash, to get sick. You can fall down the stairs or hit your head in your own home. Yes, maybe it's morbid to think that way, or to say it out loud, but it's true.
I don't want to think that people don't value military service. But many parents don't seem to instill that spirit of service, of giving back, and so many kids don't understand what it means to hold something so dear, something that is bigger than your little corner of the world, something that cannot be possessed or touched to felt, something so important that you would go out of your way to defend it. Defend it to the death if it came down to it. I have one kid in the Army, I have been in the AF for over 18 years, the husband spent almost 28 years in uniform, and when my younger kids get there, I'll encourage them to consider military service. I'm PROUD of my kid for choosing to serve something over himself. I'm proud of him for choosing the uniform. Am I scared something will happen to him? Sure I am. I put him in God's care every single day. But does my fear trump his desire to serve honorably and nobly? Not on your life.
Military rant over. It just makes me sad that so few people have that desire to serve. Yes, I know, there are lots of ways to serve your country; wearing a uniform is but one. But still. Oh wait, I said it was over didn't I?
Hmmm, what else? H1N1 is so yesterday. We are not doing the shot. Why are people so freaked out? Tens of thousands of people die every year from the seasonal flu and you don't see this mass hysteria. It's here, in my small town. Unless you are in the high risk category, in which case my opinion most definitely changes, my impression is you get sick, have a fever and a cough for a week or so, and you get better. Several kids of friends of mine have had it, and they got over it in a few days, week or so max. One kid had a fever of 105 on Monday and was at football practice on Friday.
I got my GI Bill claim approved!! I'm going to finish school! Hallelujah! Money was really becoming an issue, as in, there wasn't enough. And now I've got help paying for tuition! A year from June, and I'll be walking. I'm the first person in my family to go to school at all, let alone graduate. There was a part of me that thought I'd never really get there. And I'm not there yet, don't want to count those chickens just yet, but it feels good to see the finish line from here.
SO thankful for my friends who keep me grounded, keep me laughing and keep me in their prayers. Peace out.
05 November 2009
01 September 2009
Brushing off the cobwebs
Wow. April 14th? That's a long time. It's not that I have nothing to say, it really isn't. Just ask my husband, I have plenty to say. It's just that life gets in the way. Spring and summer flew by, in a blur of finals, end of the year parties and field day, day camps, baseball games, the zoo, the pool, and a quick trip to upstate New York for a family reunion.
What are we doing now? I'm on a break from school till the end of September and reading the Twilight saga, the short people just started back to school and are getting in the swing of things, the husband is off work for awhile because of having shoulder surgery and we have a new resident, my stepdaughter L. She's working nights and saving money. Pretty boring and normal stuff.
So today, we're going to visit the husband of a dear friend of our family, who is in the process of dying. It makes me more uncomfortable than I can say to go and sit face to face with that reality because I just don't know what to say. You can't ask someone who is dying, "How ya doing?" Hospice comes over every day and the family minister was there last night....you know the time is drawing near. And I don't know what to say, how to act. But I can't not go. It would be so much easier to say, we're so busy we just don't have time to swing by this afternoon, and send a card or some flowers. But what they really need is love and support and human contact. J needs to know that people love him and care what is going on, and R needs to know to people will still be there for her when he is not. Would I want people to run from us in a time of need? So, as awkward and speechless and helpless as I feel, we will go put our arms around R and J and tell them that we love them. It's isn't nearly enough but it's all we've got.
In other news, I'm training for a half marathon that is in three weeks. I'm nervous but excited. Running has really become a part of who I am. The idea of running a full marathon keeps crossing my mind....but I'm afraid of doing a full. 26.2 miles is a lot of dang miles. What I find harder than the physical part is the mental aspect of continuing to run for 2+ hours. Oh sure, I take walk breaks and I stop at water stations or to use the restroom occasionally. But for the vast majority of the time, I'm running. What to think about, what to do with my mind so it doesn't talk my body into quitting? Maybe next school year when the youngest dude is in all day school, I could train for a full. It's very time consuming, training for a race.
I'm getting close to the end of school. This year and then one more academic year till graduation. In my world, that means it's just about over. Then I just have to figure out what I am going to do with the degree. Use it to go to more school? Get a job? In this economy? With a history degree? Mmm-hmm. Three years ago when I really started to take this college thing seriously, life looked a lot different, and I had a different goal in mind. Isn't it funny how quickly things change?
Thinking about life after school is really kind of odd...I've just done school for so long, and it would feel strange to not have that looming just out of reach anymore. I need to have some goal that I am working toward and school has been it for so long. What will it be? Kind of exciting and kind of scary at the same time.
What are we doing now? I'm on a break from school till the end of September and reading the Twilight saga, the short people just started back to school and are getting in the swing of things, the husband is off work for awhile because of having shoulder surgery and we have a new resident, my stepdaughter L. She's working nights and saving money. Pretty boring and normal stuff.
So today, we're going to visit the husband of a dear friend of our family, who is in the process of dying. It makes me more uncomfortable than I can say to go and sit face to face with that reality because I just don't know what to say. You can't ask someone who is dying, "How ya doing?" Hospice comes over every day and the family minister was there last night....you know the time is drawing near. And I don't know what to say, how to act. But I can't not go. It would be so much easier to say, we're so busy we just don't have time to swing by this afternoon, and send a card or some flowers. But what they really need is love and support and human contact. J needs to know that people love him and care what is going on, and R needs to know to people will still be there for her when he is not. Would I want people to run from us in a time of need? So, as awkward and speechless and helpless as I feel, we will go put our arms around R and J and tell them that we love them. It's isn't nearly enough but it's all we've got.
In other news, I'm training for a half marathon that is in three weeks. I'm nervous but excited. Running has really become a part of who I am. The idea of running a full marathon keeps crossing my mind....but I'm afraid of doing a full. 26.2 miles is a lot of dang miles. What I find harder than the physical part is the mental aspect of continuing to run for 2+ hours. Oh sure, I take walk breaks and I stop at water stations or to use the restroom occasionally. But for the vast majority of the time, I'm running. What to think about, what to do with my mind so it doesn't talk my body into quitting? Maybe next school year when the youngest dude is in all day school, I could train for a full. It's very time consuming, training for a race.
I'm getting close to the end of school. This year and then one more academic year till graduation. In my world, that means it's just about over. Then I just have to figure out what I am going to do with the degree. Use it to go to more school? Get a job? In this economy? With a history degree? Mmm-hmm. Three years ago when I really started to take this college thing seriously, life looked a lot different, and I had a different goal in mind. Isn't it funny how quickly things change?
Thinking about life after school is really kind of odd...I've just done school for so long, and it would feel strange to not have that looming just out of reach anymore. I need to have some goal that I am working toward and school has been it for so long. What will it be? Kind of exciting and kind of scary at the same time.
14 April 2009
Tough love
Let me start by saying I love my husband's children as if they were my own. Truly, truly I do. There are two of them and they are two very, very different people. Neither of them lived with us as children but the older one, B, lived with us for a year after college. He got a full time job, wasn't 100% sure what he wanted to do, but he just needed a place to crash for a while, and so he was here. We didn't make him pay rent but he paid for his own stuff....car, gas, insurance, going out money, etc. Every now and again he'd ask for help with something and we usually did. He helped us out by taking care of the house if we went away for a couple of days, helped with the kids, and took care of the older two when I had to go the hospital to have #3 forced out, I mean, induced....he contributed to the household and the arrangement worked out fine. When he moved out for good, part of me was sad to see him go, although I knew that it was time.
Well, the situation with L is little different. She's kind of always held us at arm's length, and we're her last resort, it seems. She is 24 years old, lives at home with her mother, graduated from college a year ago, and works weekends at a local restaurant/casino type establishment. She says that she is sending out resumes and looking for another job to supplement the weekend gig, but nothing has come up yet. Frankly I question how motivated she is, and how much time she is putting into her job search, because if I send her email or a note on Facebook, it is generally answered within 5 minutes. I know that her mother has her doing work around the house, taking care of their animals and such. I don't think she pays rent and she is driving her mother's car, not having one of her own. Which brings me to my point.
When her mother gets fed up with her, she threatens to take the car away and kick her out, and then it's always "Dad, can I come live with you?" We've always told her that we'd do the same for her that we did for B, and she is welcome to live with us. Today we got an email that "The deadline for Mom taking the car away is coming up quick and I need help. If I don't have a car I won't be able to drive myself to work. Can you please help me get a car?"
I have a few questions. How long have we known about the deadline coming up? How long did we have to start putting out some real effort to get a car of our own?
If you live at home and have zero expenses, how is it that you have so little money in the bank? If you only work weekends, that gives you all week long to go out and try to find some other part time gig that would bring in more money. At 24, it's time to be a grown up now. When I was 24, I'd been in the military for nearly four years. At 24, my husband and his ex-wife (B & L's mom) were married, had a child and were managing their own lives without any help from their parents.
And with a college degree no less, you can do better than bussing tables. Now, in fairness, we helped B get a car...actually we gave him one of ours. We were getting ready to buy a new one, and rather than trade in the old one, we gave it to him. It was several years old and was hardly his first choice but beggars can't be choosers. And we've always said, whatever we do for B, we have to be willing to do for L. I'm willing to help but only up to a point.
Am I completely heartless and cruel because I don't really feel like this is our problem to solve? Am I the evil stepmother? I'm frustrated because I know in my heart, from past experience, whatever we do will somehow not be enough, and we'll be blamed for the whole mess. I've told him (the husband) that he needs to get together in person with L and her mother and stop this email back and forth, between him and L, him and the ex-wife, and who knows what the ex-wife is telling L at home? He said, she said, to the nth degree. The three of them need to sit down and solve the problem. Make a plan and then do it. A little less talk and a little more action.
It's time to be a grown up now. Take responsibility for your own needs, figure out what you want and how to get there, and then go do it. The problem is that B was encouraged, even pushed, to grow up and be a man, get out of the house, go live your life, as boys often are, especially boys of divorced mothers who (either consciously or not) ask them to be the man of the house after Dad moves out. L was pampered and babied and not taught any of the lessons she needed to be ready to take care of herself. She is not prepared to be an adult. I love her and I want to see her succeed, but I don't think that Mom and Dad giving her everything and taking care of everything for her is doing her any favors.
Definitely need to pray on this.
Well, the situation with L is little different. She's kind of always held us at arm's length, and we're her last resort, it seems. She is 24 years old, lives at home with her mother, graduated from college a year ago, and works weekends at a local restaurant/casino type establishment. She says that she is sending out resumes and looking for another job to supplement the weekend gig, but nothing has come up yet. Frankly I question how motivated she is, and how much time she is putting into her job search, because if I send her email or a note on Facebook, it is generally answered within 5 minutes. I know that her mother has her doing work around the house, taking care of their animals and such. I don't think she pays rent and she is driving her mother's car, not having one of her own. Which brings me to my point.
When her mother gets fed up with her, she threatens to take the car away and kick her out, and then it's always "Dad, can I come live with you?" We've always told her that we'd do the same for her that we did for B, and she is welcome to live with us. Today we got an email that "The deadline for Mom taking the car away is coming up quick and I need help. If I don't have a car I won't be able to drive myself to work. Can you please help me get a car?"
I have a few questions. How long have we known about the deadline coming up? How long did we have to start putting out some real effort to get a car of our own?
If you live at home and have zero expenses, how is it that you have so little money in the bank? If you only work weekends, that gives you all week long to go out and try to find some other part time gig that would bring in more money. At 24, it's time to be a grown up now. When I was 24, I'd been in the military for nearly four years. At 24, my husband and his ex-wife (B & L's mom) were married, had a child and were managing their own lives without any help from their parents.
And with a college degree no less, you can do better than bussing tables. Now, in fairness, we helped B get a car...actually we gave him one of ours. We were getting ready to buy a new one, and rather than trade in the old one, we gave it to him. It was several years old and was hardly his first choice but beggars can't be choosers. And we've always said, whatever we do for B, we have to be willing to do for L. I'm willing to help but only up to a point.
Am I completely heartless and cruel because I don't really feel like this is our problem to solve? Am I the evil stepmother? I'm frustrated because I know in my heart, from past experience, whatever we do will somehow not be enough, and we'll be blamed for the whole mess. I've told him (the husband) that he needs to get together in person with L and her mother and stop this email back and forth, between him and L, him and the ex-wife, and who knows what the ex-wife is telling L at home? He said, she said, to the nth degree. The three of them need to sit down and solve the problem. Make a plan and then do it. A little less talk and a little more action.
It's time to be a grown up now. Take responsibility for your own needs, figure out what you want and how to get there, and then go do it. The problem is that B was encouraged, even pushed, to grow up and be a man, get out of the house, go live your life, as boys often are, especially boys of divorced mothers who (either consciously or not) ask them to be the man of the house after Dad moves out. L was pampered and babied and not taught any of the lessons she needed to be ready to take care of herself. She is not prepared to be an adult. I love her and I want to see her succeed, but I don't think that Mom and Dad giving her everything and taking care of everything for her is doing her any favors.
Definitely need to pray on this.
01 April 2009
Can't do it
but I'm thinking about it a lot. I really miss flying. I've toyed off and on with the idea of going back to flying quite a lot over the last almost 10 years, since I flew my last mission as a C141C loadmaster. There are more reasons, good ones, not to do it, than there are to do it.
But still. I miss it. It was fun and exciting. Yeah, frustrating too. And it was easy for me to be away from home for a week or more at a time. No kids, no school, nothing to worry about. Life looks a lot different these days, and if I were to go back, assuming I could even get a load slot in the squadron, it would be hard. I'd have to be away for four months straight for training, then I'd be on active duty and at the mercy of my scheduler and the airplane for another year. C5's don't exactly have a good reliability rate and 4 day trips often turn into 12 day trips, waiting on parts and maintenance.
How would we handle me traveling again? The hub's job pays way better and he needs to be able to count on me being home when he goes to work. Unless we had a live-in nanny, it would just never work. Plus....as much as I miss flying, I don't really think I could be away from the fam for four months without some serious heartburn. If I was mobilized and ordered to active duty involuntarily that would be one thing. But to choose it...I don't know. I want to have a job/career that is meaningful and fulfilling, don't get me wrong. I'm just not willing to do it at the expense of my family. There is more than one way to have a meaningful career. I want to be there for my kids and not miss track meets and baseball games, and teacher conferences and all those things. And frankly, I think they need me here too.
I really do like what I do now. The big drawback is the lack of promotion potential. There is none. Zero. And I do want to get promoted someday. It's time. It will happen eventually, but my co-HO will have to leave/retire and I don't want her to go. I adore her and we make a good team, both as friends and professionally. When she leaves the office I will get the stripe. You gotta take the good with bad, I guess.
Just getting all nostalgic, I think. I left flying before I got all grumpy and bitter about it, so I always remember it through my rose colored glasses. I have conveniently forgotten what a pain it could be at times, how much I hated certain aspects of the job. But when I go back and read my journals from those days, it wasn't always sunshine and butterflies. Things really do happen for a reason, and sometimes, it just wasn't meant to be. Home is where I am supposed to be. While I miss flying and always will, I'm good with being home.
But still. I miss it. It was fun and exciting. Yeah, frustrating too. And it was easy for me to be away from home for a week or more at a time. No kids, no school, nothing to worry about. Life looks a lot different these days, and if I were to go back, assuming I could even get a load slot in the squadron, it would be hard. I'd have to be away for four months straight for training, then I'd be on active duty and at the mercy of my scheduler and the airplane for another year. C5's don't exactly have a good reliability rate and 4 day trips often turn into 12 day trips, waiting on parts and maintenance.
How would we handle me traveling again? The hub's job pays way better and he needs to be able to count on me being home when he goes to work. Unless we had a live-in nanny, it would just never work. Plus....as much as I miss flying, I don't really think I could be away from the fam for four months without some serious heartburn. If I was mobilized and ordered to active duty involuntarily that would be one thing. But to choose it...I don't know. I want to have a job/career that is meaningful and fulfilling, don't get me wrong. I'm just not willing to do it at the expense of my family. There is more than one way to have a meaningful career. I want to be there for my kids and not miss track meets and baseball games, and teacher conferences and all those things. And frankly, I think they need me here too.
I really do like what I do now. The big drawback is the lack of promotion potential. There is none. Zero. And I do want to get promoted someday. It's time. It will happen eventually, but my co-HO will have to leave/retire and I don't want her to go. I adore her and we make a good team, both as friends and professionally. When she leaves the office I will get the stripe. You gotta take the good with bad, I guess.
Just getting all nostalgic, I think. I left flying before I got all grumpy and bitter about it, so I always remember it through my rose colored glasses. I have conveniently forgotten what a pain it could be at times, how much I hated certain aspects of the job. But when I go back and read my journals from those days, it wasn't always sunshine and butterflies. Things really do happen for a reason, and sometimes, it just wasn't meant to be. Home is where I am supposed to be. While I miss flying and always will, I'm good with being home.
30 March 2009
The sun is shining...
on my street! It looks like spring outside. So the spousal unit and I took advantage of it and hit the bricks for about 2.5 miles today. It was chilly to start and he didn't think he was going to be able to go very far, but he surprised me (and himself!) He said that if he had been alone, he wouldn't have gone as far, but he didn't want me to think he was a total skirt. His words.
In any case, it was a gorgeous day for it and it felt great to get out and run.
School starts again tonight and I'm looking forward to it. I just really needed a break from thinking and worrying about school for a few days, and now I'm ready to start a new quarter. New class, new professor. I've gotten over my disappointment (for the most part) that I did the math wrong adding up my credits and I won't be graduating in a year like I thought, but there are worse fates in life. So I don't feel too bad about taking it easy this quarter and next, only one class per quarter. I'll get back at it in the fall and take more but I am ready to take it easy for awhile. I'm getting closer to graduating and I'm not totally taking the quarter off, so it's all good.
Nothing much exciting or interesting to talk about, just life. Oh, a funny thing happened today. Middle man-cub's homework got lost yesterday afternoon and he was quite upset this morning when we couldn't find it. We promised to bring it to school when it turned up. I asked one my favorite saints for a little help, and St Anthony (patron saint of lost things) came through like he always does. After our run today, the husband and I were trying to figure out what could have happened to the homework. Coming up the driveway, and seeing the empty garbage cans gave me a thought and I checked the recycle bin....they hadn't come to pick it up yet. Sure enough, in between sections of the Sunday paper was his bright blue "homework" folder with the assignment tucked inside. Thanks, St A!
I guess that about covers it for today. Not much going on in suburbia today, but I do have to give a quick shout out to my beloved UNC TAR HEELS who rocked the house last night, even though Yahoo is making fun of one of them for a bad dunk attempt. They're going to take it all this year, I just know it.
In any case, it was a gorgeous day for it and it felt great to get out and run.
School starts again tonight and I'm looking forward to it. I just really needed a break from thinking and worrying about school for a few days, and now I'm ready to start a new quarter. New class, new professor. I've gotten over my disappointment (for the most part) that I did the math wrong adding up my credits and I won't be graduating in a year like I thought, but there are worse fates in life. So I don't feel too bad about taking it easy this quarter and next, only one class per quarter. I'll get back at it in the fall and take more but I am ready to take it easy for awhile. I'm getting closer to graduating and I'm not totally taking the quarter off, so it's all good.
Nothing much exciting or interesting to talk about, just life. Oh, a funny thing happened today. Middle man-cub's homework got lost yesterday afternoon and he was quite upset this morning when we couldn't find it. We promised to bring it to school when it turned up. I asked one my favorite saints for a little help, and St Anthony (patron saint of lost things) came through like he always does. After our run today, the husband and I were trying to figure out what could have happened to the homework. Coming up the driveway, and seeing the empty garbage cans gave me a thought and I checked the recycle bin....they hadn't come to pick it up yet. Sure enough, in between sections of the Sunday paper was his bright blue "homework" folder with the assignment tucked inside. Thanks, St A!
I guess that about covers it for today. Not much going on in suburbia today, but I do have to give a quick shout out to my beloved UNC TAR HEELS who rocked the house last night, even though Yahoo is making fun of one of them for a bad dunk attempt. They're going to take it all this year, I just know it.
23 March 2009
I'm still alive...
and still hanging on the last of this damnable cough. It's gone beyond all semblance of reasonable. But it's almost gone, finally. The worst thing is, I feel like I always need to clear my throat.
I've been incommunicado for quite a while now. But some good things going on here...winter quarter is over, YAY! I'm on spring break, and waiting for grades to come out. I think I did pretty well in history, but literature is really a crapshoot. I worked hard on my final paper and I feel like I did what I was supposed to do. Is it "A" work? I don't know, I think it's pretty close, but I also thought my other work in the class was pretty good, but sadly the instructor disagreed. So, I'll just have to wait a few more days to find out. I did get into the online lit class for summer I wanted, which will complete my English requirement for graduation. Next school year, I will have to suck it up and take three classes each quarter but then I. WILL. BE. DONE. FINISHED. GRADUATED. Could it really be???
UC approved a program that allows outside training, such as military training, to be used for college credit, and I got a TRUCKLOAD of hours toward my degree from my military transcripts. In fact, I have more hours than I need to graduate! But they're not all applicable to the things I still need to complete like foreign language. But still, one more year, and that's it. That is so exciting that I can't really think about it.
In other news, I finally got some closure, if that is the right phrase, on a situation I had with a couple of people I thought were my friends. I pissed and moaned about it here awhile back. I bumped into one of them at the Y, on the track. I was walking with my headphones in, listening to music. The most I'd have done was say hi. She was walking on the track with her nose buried in a book, making a HUGE point of ignoring me. Now, I ask you, who goes to the gym, to walk on the track while READING A BOOK? This pissed me off beyond all reason. For the love of God, don't be such a baby, just say what you've got to say.
Knowing that these two girls are not ones for grown-up conversation (meaning they'd rather ignore you and cut off an entire friendship than just be honest and have the uncomfortable conversation) and phone calls would be ignored and then not returned, I used the only means of communication that I knew they'd see. I emailed both of them and said that I had tried to be patient and had spent the better part of the last several months hurt and confused, wondering what I had done to deserve being cut off so rudely and lacking any input from either of them, I had come to the conclusion that I didn't deserve it. I said that it hurt me and made me sad that they'd both rather write off a friendship than to just be honest and be a grown up, and have the uncomfortable conversation, but that I obviously couldn't control that.
Well, they both wrote me back rather quickly and let me know that I did indeed do things that they didn't like. I was told that my negativity literally sucked the life out of A, and that all we had in common was shopping and enjoying playing with makeup. Wow, could she think of me as any shallower? And J had thought the only thing we had in common was the fact that our kids were friends, but once our kids were not in the same class, that our "friendship" had just sort of drifted away. Both of these lame excuses are, not to put too fine a point on things, BULL. SHIT. Granted, when I was close with A, I was going through what was arguably one of the two worst times of my life. And maybe I didn't handle everything the way she thought I should. But if I'd known that was the parameter of the friendship, I might have done a whole lot of things differently. J is just full of it....we were friends after our kids weren't in the same class at school, for a couple of years.
What I have taken away from it, is that I am longer hurt and upset about the loss of these two supposed friends. Their responses tell me that this whole thing was more about them than it was about me. Neither of them was willing to be upfront about what they were thinking and feeling, so instead they both just blew me off. Yeah, they're related, they're sisters, which is why I keep referring to them as a unit. I never thought of them like that until they started acting exactly the same. In fact, A used to talk smack to me about J quite a bit, and was pretty harsh about her, but now all of a sudden they are super close and I am "attacking" their family? Whatever. Neither of them appears to have any traits of a mature grown woman, and neither of them can be trusted as far as they can be thrown. Lesson learned the hard way. I'm still upset but it's now about the way they treated me in ending the friendship rather than being upset that the friendship is over.
The oldest offspring is beginning to worry me again....a med issue. He is very limited in the types and dosages of meds he can take, he just can't tolerate a lot of them. But he's become habituated to the one he can take, and he seems to be slipping into some unacceptable behaviors. I don't want to be yelling and scolding and correcting all the time, but how he is behaving is not ok. He's going to be 9 this weekend, and it's early still but I'm wondering if he's beginning to deal with some hormones that are making him get a little more attitude-y. He just seems to be incapable of getting himself under control, and behaving appropriately. Or at least, his ability to do that is umm, intermittent. Today was kind of a bad day so maybe it's just one day. Here's hoping tomorrow is better.
I'm training for a 10K in May, and I plan to register for a half-marathon in September and a 10-mile race in October. Running is still my refuge, a place where I can go where it's just me and my legs and my lungs. Pushing myself to see how far I can go. I get away from everything and everyone when it's time for a run, and it's about the only time I can be alone with myself. I'm not trying to fix anything or anyone, I'm not worrying about money or school or the kids or my marriage, I'm just pickin' 'em up and puttin' 'em down. It's kinda cool.
I've been incommunicado for quite a while now. But some good things going on here...winter quarter is over, YAY! I'm on spring break, and waiting for grades to come out. I think I did pretty well in history, but literature is really a crapshoot. I worked hard on my final paper and I feel like I did what I was supposed to do. Is it "A" work? I don't know, I think it's pretty close, but I also thought my other work in the class was pretty good, but sadly the instructor disagreed. So, I'll just have to wait a few more days to find out. I did get into the online lit class for summer I wanted, which will complete my English requirement for graduation. Next school year, I will have to suck it up and take three classes each quarter but then I. WILL. BE. DONE. FINISHED. GRADUATED. Could it really be???
UC approved a program that allows outside training, such as military training, to be used for college credit, and I got a TRUCKLOAD of hours toward my degree from my military transcripts. In fact, I have more hours than I need to graduate! But they're not all applicable to the things I still need to complete like foreign language. But still, one more year, and that's it. That is so exciting that I can't really think about it.
In other news, I finally got some closure, if that is the right phrase, on a situation I had with a couple of people I thought were my friends. I pissed and moaned about it here awhile back. I bumped into one of them at the Y, on the track. I was walking with my headphones in, listening to music. The most I'd have done was say hi. She was walking on the track with her nose buried in a book, making a HUGE point of ignoring me. Now, I ask you, who goes to the gym, to walk on the track while READING A BOOK? This pissed me off beyond all reason. For the love of God, don't be such a baby, just say what you've got to say.
Knowing that these two girls are not ones for grown-up conversation (meaning they'd rather ignore you and cut off an entire friendship than just be honest and have the uncomfortable conversation) and phone calls would be ignored and then not returned, I used the only means of communication that I knew they'd see. I emailed both of them and said that I had tried to be patient and had spent the better part of the last several months hurt and confused, wondering what I had done to deserve being cut off so rudely and lacking any input from either of them, I had come to the conclusion that I didn't deserve it. I said that it hurt me and made me sad that they'd both rather write off a friendship than to just be honest and be a grown up, and have the uncomfortable conversation, but that I obviously couldn't control that.
Well, they both wrote me back rather quickly and let me know that I did indeed do things that they didn't like. I was told that my negativity literally sucked the life out of A, and that all we had in common was shopping and enjoying playing with makeup. Wow, could she think of me as any shallower? And J had thought the only thing we had in common was the fact that our kids were friends, but once our kids were not in the same class, that our "friendship" had just sort of drifted away. Both of these lame excuses are, not to put too fine a point on things, BULL. SHIT. Granted, when I was close with A, I was going through what was arguably one of the two worst times of my life. And maybe I didn't handle everything the way she thought I should. But if I'd known that was the parameter of the friendship, I might have done a whole lot of things differently. J is just full of it....we were friends after our kids weren't in the same class at school, for a couple of years.
What I have taken away from it, is that I am longer hurt and upset about the loss of these two supposed friends. Their responses tell me that this whole thing was more about them than it was about me. Neither of them was willing to be upfront about what they were thinking and feeling, so instead they both just blew me off. Yeah, they're related, they're sisters, which is why I keep referring to them as a unit. I never thought of them like that until they started acting exactly the same. In fact, A used to talk smack to me about J quite a bit, and was pretty harsh about her, but now all of a sudden they are super close and I am "attacking" their family? Whatever. Neither of them appears to have any traits of a mature grown woman, and neither of them can be trusted as far as they can be thrown. Lesson learned the hard way. I'm still upset but it's now about the way they treated me in ending the friendship rather than being upset that the friendship is over.
The oldest offspring is beginning to worry me again....a med issue. He is very limited in the types and dosages of meds he can take, he just can't tolerate a lot of them. But he's become habituated to the one he can take, and he seems to be slipping into some unacceptable behaviors. I don't want to be yelling and scolding and correcting all the time, but how he is behaving is not ok. He's going to be 9 this weekend, and it's early still but I'm wondering if he's beginning to deal with some hormones that are making him get a little more attitude-y. He just seems to be incapable of getting himself under control, and behaving appropriately. Or at least, his ability to do that is umm, intermittent. Today was kind of a bad day so maybe it's just one day. Here's hoping tomorrow is better.
I'm training for a 10K in May, and I plan to register for a half-marathon in September and a 10-mile race in October. Running is still my refuge, a place where I can go where it's just me and my legs and my lungs. Pushing myself to see how far I can go. I get away from everything and everyone when it's time for a run, and it's about the only time I can be alone with myself. I'm not trying to fix anything or anyone, I'm not worrying about money or school or the kids or my marriage, I'm just pickin' 'em up and puttin' 'em down. It's kinda cool.
15 February 2009
The bubonic plague
is what it feels like here. Ugh. I've been sick for about a month now, and the offspring are all varying degrees of sick. I have bronchitis, which I have my suspicions may have morphed into pneumonia or something else, but the chest xrays did not agree. I've been coughing my head off, and gasping for air and struggling to breathe each time I cough. The oldest offspring was diagnosed last week with pneumonia and his flu culture came back positive. The middle offspring has had a fever above 103 for the last couple days although today seems better, and the littlest one also has a high fever, with today being better than the last couple of days. But strangely, today the little guy has a really weird rash on his cheeks...it almost looks sort of measles-ish. It's red and spotty, but not bumpy or raised. His fever is down but he's got the rash. Hmmm. WebMD is a dangerous thing, and I don't think I'll go looking for info, because I usually come away thinking we all have massive brain aneurysms or terminal cancer.
So, we're slowly recovering. I can't wait for spring and better weather, although it's been mild around here lately, very not winter-like. In spite of that, I am still very much wanting to hibernate. I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I'm ok with letting the spawn watch too much TV or play too much Wii, as long as they do it quietly, in the other room. Tired and unmotivated, that's me.
This quarter in school is interesting though...I am taking a literature class that is focused on family. Funny, I guess I thought it would be focused on books. Now to be fair, we are reading a lot, but the discussions and the writing we are doing is all about family. After our first class meeting I called my spousal unit on my way home from school and told him that I thought perhaps I had made a mistake. I thought I was taking a literature class, but in actuality, it was a group therapy session. And generally the discussions in class piss me off. I am very much in a minority there, because I'm about 20 years older than everyone else, including the instructor it seems, and I'm not in favor of abortion as a method of birth control, or problem solving or fighting poverty. Yeah, I know! How'd we get THERE in a literature class?! My thoughts exactly. We got to talking about OctoMom one night and being a whacked out neo con, I put in a vote for personal responsibility. Why should California taxpayers be handed a bill for her desire to have litters of children? Have all the children you want....but they are YOUR children, YOU take care of them. And somehow this discussion turned to abortion: if taxpayers are going to foot the bill (or at least contribute) for her in vitro procedures, should they also be asked to pay for abortions? I could not shut up and I was appalled that people think abortion is a perfectly fine way to solve the problem of not wanting to be pregnant. And that taxpayers should be ok with paying for abortions, since if a poor woman can't afford an abortion, how is she going to afford to care for a child? It's ultimately cheaper to the taxpayer to cover the abortion than to cover welfare/assistance for the baby. WHAT THE HELL kind of logic is that? And HOW THE HELL is this related to literature? And then one girl in the class said something about "those really religious people" who oppose abortion and I about came undone. Does having faith negate my credibility? So if I go to church and practice my faith, that means I'm just some fringe kook with nothing worthwhile to say? OMG. I remember believing differently when I was 20 than I do now, and much of what I thought then was stupid. But holy crap. This is our future? These are the future leaders of this country? Oy vey. And it isn't just the abortion thing, I listen to them talk and it seems clear to me that they just don't know much about the way the world works. They are so young and so...me me me. They shout down anyone who disagrees with them, and cannot or will not consider that any other viewpoint MIGHT have some validity. That drives me nuts.
The following week I refused to open my mouth even once. I could tell that the professor was getting irritated with me and just wanted me to shut up....every time I said something, he blew it off and moved on as quickly as he could, and he made me wait till last to speak, every time I had a comment. I don't like this class at all.
I have senioritis SO. BAD. I cannot adequately express how very much I want to be finished with school. But I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she was encouraging me to reconsider going to law school. She's an attorney and she offered to do anything she could to help me get into law school and said she'd help me out. I wrote off law school a long time ago, and found a new pursuit, but now....I'm just thinking. We were also at the bottom of a couple of bottles of wine, at least, but I'm sure that doesn't have anything to do with anything.
And my favorite professor has nominated me for an award at school! That was a great surprise, put a big smile on my face and made me feel really good. I will find out in April if I am among the finalists.
I guess that about catches me up. I've been sick, in school, and hanging out with the husband and the kids. The husband has been on call all of January, and all of February, and just today got called out for the first time in six weeks. Neither of us was unhappy that he went out today, and he'll be back in a couple of days. It was time for him to go out. Maybe it sounds bad but when you are used to your partner being gone for a few days on a regular basis, and then he's home for six weeks in a row, well, there is such a thing as spending TOO much time together. Now I have to get my sick and tired butt and get some stuff done around here!
So, we're slowly recovering. I can't wait for spring and better weather, although it's been mild around here lately, very not winter-like. In spite of that, I am still very much wanting to hibernate. I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I'm ok with letting the spawn watch too much TV or play too much Wii, as long as they do it quietly, in the other room. Tired and unmotivated, that's me.
This quarter in school is interesting though...I am taking a literature class that is focused on family. Funny, I guess I thought it would be focused on books. Now to be fair, we are reading a lot, but the discussions and the writing we are doing is all about family. After our first class meeting I called my spousal unit on my way home from school and told him that I thought perhaps I had made a mistake. I thought I was taking a literature class, but in actuality, it was a group therapy session. And generally the discussions in class piss me off. I am very much in a minority there, because I'm about 20 years older than everyone else, including the instructor it seems, and I'm not in favor of abortion as a method of birth control, or problem solving or fighting poverty. Yeah, I know! How'd we get THERE in a literature class?! My thoughts exactly. We got to talking about OctoMom one night and being a whacked out neo con, I put in a vote for personal responsibility. Why should California taxpayers be handed a bill for her desire to have litters of children? Have all the children you want....but they are YOUR children, YOU take care of them. And somehow this discussion turned to abortion: if taxpayers are going to foot the bill (or at least contribute) for her in vitro procedures, should they also be asked to pay for abortions? I could not shut up and I was appalled that people think abortion is a perfectly fine way to solve the problem of not wanting to be pregnant. And that taxpayers should be ok with paying for abortions, since if a poor woman can't afford an abortion, how is she going to afford to care for a child? It's ultimately cheaper to the taxpayer to cover the abortion than to cover welfare/assistance for the baby. WHAT THE HELL kind of logic is that? And HOW THE HELL is this related to literature? And then one girl in the class said something about "those really religious people" who oppose abortion and I about came undone. Does having faith negate my credibility? So if I go to church and practice my faith, that means I'm just some fringe kook with nothing worthwhile to say? OMG. I remember believing differently when I was 20 than I do now, and much of what I thought then was stupid. But holy crap. This is our future? These are the future leaders of this country? Oy vey. And it isn't just the abortion thing, I listen to them talk and it seems clear to me that they just don't know much about the way the world works. They are so young and so...me me me. They shout down anyone who disagrees with them, and cannot or will not consider that any other viewpoint MIGHT have some validity. That drives me nuts.
The following week I refused to open my mouth even once. I could tell that the professor was getting irritated with me and just wanted me to shut up....every time I said something, he blew it off and moved on as quickly as he could, and he made me wait till last to speak, every time I had a comment. I don't like this class at all.
I have senioritis SO. BAD. I cannot adequately express how very much I want to be finished with school. But I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she was encouraging me to reconsider going to law school. She's an attorney and she offered to do anything she could to help me get into law school and said she'd help me out. I wrote off law school a long time ago, and found a new pursuit, but now....I'm just thinking. We were also at the bottom of a couple of bottles of wine, at least, but I'm sure that doesn't have anything to do with anything.
And my favorite professor has nominated me for an award at school! That was a great surprise, put a big smile on my face and made me feel really good. I will find out in April if I am among the finalists.
I guess that about catches me up. I've been sick, in school, and hanging out with the husband and the kids. The husband has been on call all of January, and all of February, and just today got called out for the first time in six weeks. Neither of us was unhappy that he went out today, and he'll be back in a couple of days. It was time for him to go out. Maybe it sounds bad but when you are used to your partner being gone for a few days on a regular basis, and then he's home for six weeks in a row, well, there is such a thing as spending TOO much time together. Now I have to get my sick and tired butt and get some stuff done around here!
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