No rest for the weary

Spring quarter is over, summer has started. I managed to pull out a "D" in math, which is awful, but it's passing. And I was seriously worried I might not pass. I'm not happy about getting my first "D" in college, but I am happy that I am done paying to take math, which is among the things I hate to do most in the world.

Now I'm taking anthropology, and this particular course focuses on evolution and genetics. If I had known that there is a lot of math in genetics, I might not have taken this class. But it finished my natural science requirement, I'll be done in two more weeks and it's interesting.

I should be finishing the article that I have a deadline for TOMORROW but for some dumb reason, I can't seem to concentrate on something until I am seriously up against the wall. I'm procrastinating. Again. I've had several weeks to work on this article for the magazine I occasionally freelance for, and I kept putting it off and saying, as soon as exams are over. As soon as I get the checkbook balanced. As soon as the kids are in bed. Well, it's due tomorrow and it's not finished yet. Because I've been piddling around shopping for shoes, or reading my friends' profiles on Facebook, or reading political arguments on message boards. Or blogging.

Making an observation about politics and political arguments here. I just read a great op-ed piece in Newsweek....it might have been a couple weeks old but it really rang true. I paraphrase here...Washington sucks. I don't think it matters who we elect in November; the partisanship and the hatred runs so deep that I don't think anyone can get anything done anymore. Politicians aren't concerned anymore with doing what is right for America, they are worried about their reputation, their own constituents, their paycheck, and making sure that the other side can't get their way. It seems to have become a juvenile game of thumbing your nose across the aisle and saying, "Oh yeah? You don't want to cooperate on this issue? Well, just see if you EVER get any cooperation from me when you need it." And it becomes about getting people back for previous slights or disagreements and being more concerned with BEING right than DOING right. Earth-shattering, right? Insightful and profound, right? Not hardly. But disappointing and disheartening, for sure. No wonder the rest of the world thinks we're a bunch of self-absorbed crybabies.

OK, my cynical rant of the day is over. I do hope that whoever is the next President can make, or at least start making, some changes for the better. I believe that all the things we are complaining about....the economy, the environment, gas prices, the war, our place on the world stage....all go in cycles. We have good years, when the economy is strong and people have jobs and worry less about the bottom line, when we aren't at war, or considering war or recovering from war. They can't ALL be good years, and yeah, we have bad times too. Like now. But this too shall pass, and things will begin to get better.

I'm such a cynic and such an idealist, all at the same time.

It's over

Spring quarter, that is.

In history class, I think I did really well. Our final project was a 15 page paper, and the professor said he was going to ask for extra copies from four students, that he would submit in for consideration for an undergrad award that the history department gives every year. I was "drafted" (read "told") to present my paper to the class....he asked for volunteers first and I tried hard not to make eye contact. But he picked me anyway, and he asked for the extra copy of my paper. As far as I know, I did not win, because the winner was supposed to be announced yesterday and I didn't get any notice. But it was still a compliment to be considered competitive.

Math, on the other hand, is horrible. Just horrible. I don't understand what I've done wrong. I thought I had the concepts, worked through the problems, and the answer I came up with was one of the multiple choices. I don't know. Anyway, I will extraordinarily lucky if I can pull out a "C". I'm not counting on it though....I did really, really badly. I'm just hoping to pass, honestly. If I have to take math again, I'm going to be very very unhappy.

Kids are out of school and happy to be on summer break. I'm glad for a break in the routine too...it's nice to just sleep a little later, and not have to rush in the mornings. When it's time for school to start again, I'm always ready for that change too, though. Seth and Lucas started baseball and teeball last weekend, and Seth had his first tennis lesson last night and Lucas has his first golf lesson tomorrow night. next week is a basketball camp....three days for an hour and a half. Then they have another basketball camp in July, and zoo day camp. We go to Disney in August. It is a rather busy summer I guess. But I don't like sitting around the house too much and they end up getting bored and antsy and into trouble when they sit around too much.

Little man is on way to being potty trained and I think I have bought my last case of diapers, ever! He's been wearing pull-ups/underpants this week and last week, and it's going pretty well. He got off to a bit of a rough start, but yesterday was a great day, and today is looking pretty good too so far.

You know how you can just tell when someone you are close to has something bothering them, even if they say they are fine? The husband really seems like he is preoccupied with something....very short tempered, especially with the kids. Just sort of....somewhere else. He of course says nothing is wrong, but I don't believe it, completely. I have been wrong before, of course, but I am wondering what is going on with him. He doesn't seem to have any interest at all in doing anything social with other people....he gets irritated so easily.....one friend said maybe he's having a hard time adjusting to being retired from the military. He's the guy who always says nothing is wrong, nothing bothers him, so if that was it, he wouldn't say so anyway.

Just saying.

Nothing earth shattering or thought provoking going on lately, just real life. Pretty mundane, really.

Math

I hate math. I can understand how it's useful and all, but I don't get it and I hate it. I am going to be lucky to pass this quarter.

I hate math. That is all.

Memorial Day

It is Memorial Day weekend, and everyone asks, "What are your plans? Having some people over or going to a barbecue?"

We're going to a friend-of-a-friend's house for a barbecue and to listen to my friend's husband's band play, at least for a little while. The spousal unit is away till tomorrow morning and it gets tough taking all three of them out by myself, especially to an outdoor party. They all run off in different directions, but it's a kid friendly event so I am hoping to run into other people that I know, with kids that my kids can play with, so I can relax a little and have a beer. Or two.

Memorial Day marks the beginning of summer, the "official" beginning of garage sale season, and the end of the school year. Which are all good things to celebrate, yes? I guess it depends on how you feel about garage sales....I have a love hate relationship with them. It's like eBay in person. I have found some great things for a steal, but at the same time, it feels a little like trolling in the trash. I digress; I do that a lot.

I have to admit that it does make me a little sad to see how few American flags I see flying. There really aren't that many most of the time, but especially on Memorial Day, Flag Day, and 4th of July, it makes me a little sad that people don't fly flags. Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have to say that ours is not up right now, because we have the kind that you screw into a post on the front porch, and the bracket broke. But as soon as the new bracket arrives, it will go back up.

Last night at Scouts, I gave a little mini-lecture to my kid and his friend, but I know some of the other boys were listening...I could see them watching, and I hope that it did not fall on deaf ears. At the end of the pack meeting, the scouts retire the flag while everyone salutes, and my kid and his buddy were horsing around, chasing the boy who was carrying the flag and generally being dorks. So I told him that I didn't like to see them goofing around with the flag and that it was very disrespectful to the flag. I just said that they needed to behave with respect when they were handling the flag and to show it courtesy, and I mentioned all their family members that were in the military at that moment....between the two of them, there were a lot. I asked them if they knew what the flag stood for and they had a hard time coming up with an answer, any answer.

So I helped them out a little and told them: it stands for our country, and everything about our country. The good and the bad, because there is both. It stands for freedom. It stands for opportunity and it stands for sacrifice. It stands for people who willingly leave their families, their own safety and security to fight and shed blood to defend our right to live in a country that gives so much to its people, and asks so little in return. It stands for people who would rather die trying, than to settle for less than. People who want a better life for those who come after them, and get up and do something about it. No, America isn't perfect, and we have made big mistakes. But there isn't anywhere I'd rather call my home, to live and raise my family.

OK, so maybe I didn't make that big of a speech to a bunch of eight-year-olds who don't get it yet. Not all of it, anyway. But it is how I feel, and what I want to think about, and reflect on this weekend.

So we'll go to our party tonight, and grill hot dogs and hamburgers, and listen to a band play while the kids get eaten up with mosquito bites. Well, maybe not, it's pretty chilly here still. And we'll go to church tomorrow and thank God for all the blessings we have. I will also thank those who came before, who gave their lives so that you and I could live and raise our families, in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Today

I feel better about the events of the weekend. I don't know if it is a character flaw, a mom thing, a woman thing, who knows why but when I've been offended (and not in the way you might get offended by an dirty joke...not that I get offended by them, but some people do...but I mean getting really wounded) I feel this need to just stew over it for a ridiculously long time.

I cannot stand for people to think badly of me. Let me rephrase that, because I know that there are people who do. I cannot stand KNOWING that someone thinks badly of me. It makes me want to turn myself inside out to make them like me. Which, yes, I know, is ridiculous and juvenile and, well, human.

So, I stewed for a couple of days, and dropped a lot of money in a matter of less than an hour, thanks to the magic of Internet shopping, hoping to make myself feel better. The shopping didn't help me feel better, but now all the stuff has started rolling in, and getting packages from the UPS guy always makes me happy :)

What did make me feel better is the knowledge (it's always there, but sometimes hard to remember where I put it last time) that that person's issues are not about me, they belong to that person. NOTHING I could ever do would change the way they see me. I will never convince that person that I am not the anti-Christ, that I am a decent person deserving of respect and at the very least civility.

And I think the thing that bothered me the most about it is this: you don't have to speak every thought that you have. Think whatever kinds of evil thoughts you wish, but have the manners, the decency, the class to KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Turn the filter on. I absolutely despise bad manners, rudeness, thoughtlessness, inconsideration. Whatever you call it, I cannot tolerate it. I'll never change her mind about me, but she will not change anything either by continuing to be rude and inconsiderate, except making herself look rude and inconsiderate.

There is a very good reason for the old saw, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Or, better yet, 'Silence is golden."

Why....

do I allow other people enough power in my life to make me feel bad? It's one of those unanswerable questions. If you read the self-help crap in books or magazines, they all say that other people can only make you feel as bad as you let them. YOU give them the power, and YOU can stop it anytime you like.

Well, that is a bunch of hooey. If you give a crap at all about other people, then they have the power to make you feel bad. And I guess I'd rather be a person, with a heart, that gives a crap, even if it means getting hurt on a semi-regular basis. But, it still sucks.

I spent some time yesterday in the presence of someone that I know does not care for me, nor do I care much for this person. And yet, every now and again, we must be in each other's presence because there are a couple of people that we both love, and don't want to miss the important things in their lives.

I felt like crap all afternoon and evening, and I still feel bad today. I dropped several hundred dollars in a retail therapy spree that did not make me feel better. I knew it wouldn't really help but I did it anyway, because I could. Griping and bitching about it doesn't help either....not in the sense that griping and bitching will change the situation. Probably nothing will change it. I am who I am, and that other person is who they are and we will always have to interact at least occasionally.

But I sure wish it would get easier to deal with. I am not a bad person and I get tired of being made to feel that I am not worth even saying hello to. Like I don't even exist. I think I'd probably rather be cursed at than ignored.

Oh, waaaah, poor me. I think I'm done with my pity party.

It's the little things in life.....

Not a huge amount of stuff to write, but I did have a great thing happen today. My friend Kim, whose son is in Seth's class (they've played together quite a few times) and who does recess monitor duty a lot, stopped me today to tell me that Seth has been playing kickball at recess with the other 2nd grade boys.

Now, you may ask yourself, why is that so great? Well, I'm glad you asked :)

Seth is the type of kid who wants friends and wants to play with other kids, but doesn't always know how to ask. For the last couple of school years, he's played mostly by himself at recess, because he hasn't been into the sports like most of the other boys. He's into Pokemon or some elaborate game he has concocted in his head, that nobody else understands, nor do they really want to. But for him to be included by the other boys, and for him to want to play kickball, is a major advance in his socialization. It may be a fluke and he may be back to playing by himself next week. But I will take it! Baby steps....

It's something to report in our group this week, if nothing else. And this afternoon, I took him to school for the First Communion pics and it just warmed my heart to see him horsing around with a group of boys, just like a normal kid. See? Labeling is SUCH a bad thing....it's even got me thinking he's not normal. But....I guess he isn't, is he?

Blah. Anyway, I had an incredibly busy but good day. Now I need to go start another book for class, and think some more about this paper I have to write that is getting scarier by the minute.