Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Lots of stuff going on around here lately. Holiday insanity, end of the quarter late night studying and writing, a freelance assignment and just general chaos.

Christmas was ok at our house this year. Yeah, just ok. The spousal unit had to work, which sucked. Yes, I'm grateful he has a good job to go to, but he's paid his dues for the last twenty years, and worked lots of holidays past. I'm just bummed that he got stuck flying Thanksgiving, Christmas AND New Year's this year. Blah. The older two offspring were both not with us this year....L had to work (welcome to being a responsible grownup but still no fun), B is stationed half a world away and came home for Thanksgiving, so Christmas was out of the question. So it just wasn't the same. But the kiddies were happy with their holidays....they got a two week break from school, and we've been having a good time. We still got to spend Christmas Eve with Dad (he flew out early Christmas morning) and Christmas day with family, and they were happy with their loot. So, all in all, it was still good.

The end of the quarter. I will be so glad to be done with school. I'm a senior now, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I did well in History...I had my favorite professor but I worked hard. I usually get good grades from him but he really makes me work for it. Good teacher :) Econ was a surprise. I didn't think I'd do all that well because it was really hard for me and I don't feel like I learned as much as I would have liked to. But I came away with a B+ so I am thrilled with that.

I had a freelance assignment due this week, and I managed to get it in, mostly on time. My deadline was Friday the 19th, but my editor let me know that she had a bit of "wiggle room," and I took advantage of it this time. I submitted on Monday the 22nd and all is well.

The kiddies are in the other room playing with their new games and watching a movie. It's 2:00 pm and we're all still in our jammies. The day after Christmas is just one of those days when it is wonderful to NOT go anywhere or do anything. We slept late, stayed in our jammies, and didn't even go outside, at least not yet. I suppose I'll probably go out to get the mail but that's it. The husband will be back late tonight, and tomorrow we'll be back to going out doing things, but for today it's nice to just hang out at home. The little dudes got some Christmas money that is burning a hole in their pockets and they can hardly wait to go out and spend it. I'm making them save a bit of it though, mean mom that I am.

As for New Year's....I always make resolutions. It gives me hope. But they're generally pretty open-ended and not specific, so I don't feel like a failure if I haven't dropped 20 pounds by March. I want to: continue to make my faith an ever bigger priority and set a good example for my kids, continue to make my fitness a priority and work towards losing a few pounds and training for a few races, work on getting my impulse spending under control (I am SO BAD), continue educating myself so I can be an advocate for my firstborn and help him cope with his ADHD issue, spend less time futzing around and wasting time online (such a time stealer!) and just generally try to be a better person than I was yesterday. These are the things I work on all the time, but New Year's is as good a time as any to recommit to it.
The little dudes and I will stay up till midnight and probably watch a movie, then watch the ball drop.

Here's hoping and praying that 2009 will be a better year than 2008 was, that our country can begin to turn the downward spiral around (in more ways than one), that our world might become more peaceful and less scary, and that people can treat each other with dignity and respect. Peace, love and prosperity for all. Naive little optimist, aren't I? :)

Reliving high school

No, maybe I should call it "reliving middle school' because that is about as mature as this stupid mess is.

Somehow, because I chose the wrong person to confide in, and she in turn felt free to share my personal pain with half of the world and I've become neighborhood gossip, I seem to have lost some friends. It's a giant case of "she said, she said," and I'm really only indirectly involved. I confided in someone who I thought was a good friend, and she obviously didn't have those same thoughts about me. So she told two friends, and they told two friends, and they....

So. People know this really private information about me from the worst time of my life, and somehow I'M the bad guy. Without going into excruciatingly boring detail that is too complicated for daytime TV, I have lost the confidence betrayer (not much of a loss, but it still sucked to find out that she was not my friend), the confidence betrayer's sister (who was also a good friend, or so I thought) and the one that is killing me, and confusing me the most, is my neighbor and someone I truly thought of as a dear, dear friend, C. I cannot for the life of me figure out why C is not talking to me. I know how she is involved in the entire mess, but I cannot draw the line from point A (the situation) to point B (being upset enough with me to stop speaking to me).

I've known C for six or seven years. I tried to be a friend and be there for her through different things....when her oldest son wanted to join the military, I talked with him, and drove him to see his recruiter when she couldn't, talked to her, hugged her and cried with her when her husband was diagnosed with cancer, cried with her when he passed, ran interference for her when her younger son flirted with the military and she was afraid he was about to be taken in by an unscrupulous recruiter, encouraged my husband to buy her husband's motorcycle after he died, because she couldn't stand to look at it in her garage and she needed the money......not because I am SuperFriend, but because I love her and I am her friend. And now, because of some mean spirited talk, she isn't returning my emails or my calls.

Girls can be so mean to each other.

I need a hug today

It's been one of those days.

Took the offspring to church this morning while I taught my preschool age PSR (parish School of Religion) class. Catholic Sunday school. Broke a nail which sounds ridiculous, but it hurt like HELL. I'm trying real hard with PSR, but I'm just not a teacher and I don't think I'm doing all that well. I'm a mom, but frankly I'm not that good with groups of little kids. I'm trying though.

After PSR, took the boys to Blockbuster and rented them two Wii games, plus two movies, and asked for some peace and quiet to get my schoolwork done. Heh. Might as well have asked for the moon and the stars. After about the fifth fight (which they held here, in the computer room, so that I could hear and see every detail) I lost it. Hollered and swore, and then for good measure, the littlest got his butt smacked. Then I felt like crap. And I still didn't understand my econ homework :( I bombed the stuff I tried to do today. I still have to finish the assignment by 11:00 tonight. Ugh.

Meanwhile, the husband is off enjoying sunny shores and scuba diving, visiting the oldest offspring. I don't begrudge him his hobby and his relaxing time, we all need it. And I don't begrudge him time spent with B. I just wish it wasn't so tough to manage the boys by myself. Six days isn't that long, but they've been off from school THE. WHOLE. TIME. When do I get my relaxing time? School is never going to be over. Ever.

I just need a hug. Or a frozen margarita. With a little salt and lime.

A much better writer than I

summed it up this way. Some foul language follows.



"Watching the Obama supporters last night, with tears streaming down their faces, their screaming, clapping, dancing and fainting, I have to admit I was a bit emotional myself. I appreciate what this means to African Americans, you could see it on their faces. Juan Williams cried through his whole commentary.

And as far as the DNC now controlling all three branches?
Gird your loins my friends, gird your loins.

And, as opposed to an Obama presidency as I am, I still hold dear, and respect and value the Office of the Presidency, the symbolism of that office. These kinds of things make me weepy, as does the National Anthem. I cant help it.

And, although many of you might disagree, I am not bitter, or angry. I am just interested, opinionated, and involved, and I supported and voted for someone else. But as much as I can understand what this means to his supporters, it is unfortunate that what this year meant to those who supported Hillary Clinton or John McCain and Sarah Palin, wasnt understood.

I'd like to say that I think Obama transcended race, and is truly a new kind of Politician. But, then I remember the number of times people who opposed him were called racist. I can't forget the Clintons painted as racists, her supporters, then Palin, and McCain themselves, as well as their supporters. I can't forget the number of times I was called racist on my blog, or online from the very first day.

I'd like to say that as I watched Michelle on stage last night, that I felt pride that she will be our first African American First Lady. But, I can't forget the times she said she was for the first time, proud of her country. A country that afforded her an Ivy League education, a country where her family prospered and excelled. I can't forget her saying that America is a mean country. I can't forget when she said that she would have to think long and hard before she would support Hillary, should she be the nominee. I can't forget when she said that *if you can't run your own house, how can you run the White House*, such an affront to women everywhere.

I'd like to say, as I watched those adorable two girls on the stage last night, the opportunity that lies ahead of them, and all young women. But then I couldn't help think of the attacks on the children of Sarah Palin. I couldn't help think of the attacks on her, her 17 year old daughter, and Hillary Clinton, and her female supporters. I can't forget the public acceptance of the effigy of Sarah Palin, or the Clinton Nutcrackers, or the 'Sarah Palin is a c*nt' t-shirts, or the many, many sexist attacks. I couldn't help remember the nasty comments coming from the left that she should have aborted Trig.

I'd like to say, as I watched the supporters, running through the streets celebrating, that they deserved it, that they worked hard, and put up an honest fair political fight. That they just wanted it more. But then I couldn't help think of the personal attacks on me, from the day I typed *I support Hillary*. I can't forget the anonymous personal attacks, and death threats and worse, left on my blog, for discussing the race. I couldn't help but watch the crowd, and think, are they someone who called me a whore or a racist c*nt? I can't forget the caucus fraud that was witnessed all over the country in the primary. I can't forget the attacks on African Americans who didn't support Obama. I cant forget that someone told Soldier4Hillary that they hoped she died in Iraq, because she supported Hillary. I couldn't help think of the Black Panthers I saw, in Philadelphia standing in front of the polling place, threatening voters. I can't forget the death threats on Tavis Smiley for criticizing Obama. I can't forget the Super Delegates who received death threats for supporting Hillary.

I'd like to say as I watched Hillary and Bill cast their vote yesterday that I believe they supported Obama. But, I can't forget what Hillary said during the primary, questioning Obama on Rezko and Ayers, and Wright. I can't forget the constant insults from Obama about the Clinton presidency, and Hillary personally, and professionally. I can't forget Biden, Edwards, Dodd, and more, tell the American people that Obama is not ready, and not tested. I cant forget his refusal to release his Senate records, his college transcripts, or his passport.

I'd like to say, as I saw Obama standing there last night, in front of a wall of American flags, giving his speech, that he truly loves America, and is a man of his word. But I can't forget his excuse for not wearing the Flag pin, and then his political expediency in wearing it. I can't forget the photo of him not placing his hand over his heart during the National Anthem. I can't forget the photo William Ayers standing on the American flag. I can't forget his refusal to release his birth certificate, something that was demanded of McCain.

I'd like to say, as I watched Obama vote for himself as President yesterday, that I appreciated what an out of body, overwhelming experience that must have been, the pride and excitement he must feel. But, then I saw William Ayers go into the same polling booth, as did Farrakhan. I was reminded of what Obama did early in his career, to get to this point, who he considered appropriate to associate with, to befriend, and to partner with to further his political career. I can't forget how he exposed his opponents in Chicago, and personally attacked them, to get them removed from the ballot. I can't forget how he ran his Chicago Districts and his dealings with Rezko, and the state of despair his districts are in. I can't forget that he didn't leave that church.

I'd like to say that I watched him walk to the podium, to give his acceptance speech that he worked so hard, and that he earned this. But I can't forget what little he has actually accomplished. Yes, he ran a good campaign, he worked harder campaigning then he has ever held a job. I can't forget all the articles I have read, about his start in the Chicago Senate, and how he was handed bills, to further his career, how his mentor carried him, made himself a Senator. I can't forget the articles I read how Obama would catch Dodd or Kennedy in the halls and cling to them as they went to present bills, and adding himself to their accomplishments. I can't forget that he has campaigned longer then he has actually served in the Senate. I can't forget how he himself said, in 2004 that he was not ready.

I'd like to say, as I saw him standing there, that the people have spoken, and the best man won. But, I can't forget the thousands and thousands of fraudulent voters registered, the buses of homeless and drug addicts that were driven to the polls. I cant forget the Obama supporters who have been caught voting twice, the people on the streets saying they voted multiple times, the overseas ballots that have been tossed out. Those four delegates. I cant forget the actions of the DNC and how they treated the Clintons. I cant forget the efforts to shove Hillary Clinton from the race.

I'd like to say that as I saw him standing there, and even as I listened to him, and was moved to tears, that he deserves it. I couldn't help think of the man that did not win. A man who has courageously served his country since he was 17 years old. A man who fought, and almost died for his country. A man who spent five years in a prison in Vietnam, at the same time one of Obama's neighbors and friends was bombing the Pentagon, and Capital. I couldn't help remember that Obama gave a book review to Ayers, whose other book was dedicated to the man that murdered Robert Kennedy.

I'd like to say that, although my candidate lost, I trust that Obama will follow through with his promises. But I can't forget the broken promises he has already made, and the lies that he has told - looking into the eye of the American people. I can't forget the sliding numbers for his tax cuts.

I'd like to say that as I was watching McCain give his concession speech, that he lost after a good fight. But I can't forget that McCain couldn't even fight. His every move, every attempt to put up a good fight was chastised in the media, screams of racism were thrown at him. Even having to fight his own party. As I watched Sarah Palin standing behind him, I couldn't help think how close we were to having a woman in the White House. As I watched her fight back her tears, I couldn't help think of all that she has accomplished in her life, being only two years older then me. I can't forget all the disgusting insulting attacks thrown at her, and how she stayed strong. I can't forget all of the attacks coming from so called feminists, and how far this election has set us back, as women. And apparently, we really have not gone that far. I can't forget members of her own party calling her a cancer. I can't forget the attacks on her and her family, a sitting Governor who has served the people of Alaska, who was asked to join the Republican ticket. The respect I felt for McCain and Palin standing there, moved me to tears. He is a true American Hero, and his service to his country should never be forgotten. I can't forget the attacks I have read, from the left, on his service.

I'd like to say that Obama is truly a man who was supported by the American people. But I can't forget the broken promise to accept campaign finance. I can't forget the millions of dollars of overseas money he has illegally accepted, the millions he has had to return, the unchecked prepaid credit card donations. And his refusal to release the donor list. I can't forget the millions he has raised and spent, and the promise he broke to get there.

I'd like to say that Obama will be for all people. But can't forget the personal attacks on Joe the Plumber and anyone who opposed Obama. I can't forget his pandering to Christian Conservatives in some states, including the gay bashers, his opposition to gay marriage, or his refusal to speak out against the sexist attacks on Clinton and Palin. I can't forget that Obama pays his female employees less than the men. I can't forget his double talk regarding Israel. I can't forget his is associations with Farrakhan, Wright, Khalidi, Meeks, Moss, Dohrn, Ayers, ACORN.

I'd like to say that Obama will help the economy. But I cant forget his share of the responsibility in the collapse of Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac. I can't forget all of the experts telling us how his spending and proposals are going to add trillions in more debt. I can't forget that he is second only to Dodd, in his two short years in the Senate, for taking money from them.

I'd like to say, as I watched the members of the media praise him, and talk about what a great story this is, that I think it is. But I can't forget the attacks that they launched on Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, their supporters, and Bill Clinton as well. I can't forget their utter failure to do their job, to report the facts, not to create the story. I can't forget their complete and utter bias. I can't forget their cover ups, and failures to vet this candidate. I can't forget their personal attacks on an average citizen.

I'd like to say that this proves that America is not racist. But I can't forget that 95% of the African Americans voted for Obama. For half of the country, their opposition to Obama was not about race. It was his judgment and his character. It was his policies. And for conservatives, it was everything he and his party stands for. White Americans, Democrats, embraced him. He won cross over votes. But those who didn't vote for him didn't do so because of his skin color. But those who did?

Id like to believe that when Obama said that *out of many, we are one* that were true. But for those who did not support him, from the first days of the primary, were told to for example *keep the f*ck out of my country* were treated anything but.

I do understand what this means to his supporters, to African Americans, and to people around the world. I do. As I said, I could see it in their tear streamed faces. And it saddens me that I cant share gleefully in this moment in history.

As much as I want to welcome this idea of change, this new age of politics, this giant step for mankind, this great leap of faith, this huge movement forward in race relations in America, I just can't forget how we got to this day.

Will Obama live up to *the promise*? As they say, time will tell.

OK, I admit it

I was wrong.

Dead wrong.

That sucked, but now it's over. I didn't want Obama to be the next president, but he is. I wanted (and truly thought) it would be a close race. But it wasn't.

I can't seem to shake the feeling I have of impending doom. The husband thinks I am being a tad dramatic, and maybe I am. But a good friend of mine and I were talking today, and she burst into tears, speaking out loud some of the things I have been thinking. So, I'm not the only one. It's not just disappointment, because frankly, I was never in love with McCain as a candidate, but he represented the best chance to make Obama wait a few more years before moving in to the White House. It goes beyond feeling disappointed because I wasn't backing the winner. I guess I can't put my finger on it, but I feel little like Chicken Little. People bought into the hype and his promises, and I have serious doubts as to whether there is any substance behind his style. I think Joe Biden was absolutely right when he said that Obama will be tested shortly after he takes office. I pray to God that he really does have steel in his spine, because he hasn't shown any yet. You don't get to vote "present" when your country is under attack. And Biden has been consistently wrong, so the VP gives me no warm fuzzy.

I hope he proves me wrong again. Because I don't see much of anything good coming out of an Obama presidency. The world is all excited that we've turned a corner in race relations. Yippie. I'm sick to death of, and offended to the core by, insinuations that I am a racist because I didn't vote for him. Like I can't think or see beyond the color of his skin. Bullshit. I'm some of kind racist, bigoted, neocon, religious zealot, because I believe that life begins at conception, and I believe that we are all responsible for our own bottom line, not waiting in the welfare line for a government handout. Take some responsibility for yourself, and your own choices and your own actions. Don't just stand there and wait for the government to help you out. Bigger government isn't the answer, it's the problem. It's a cliche but I believe it....a government big enough to give you everything you want, is powerful enough to take away everything you have.

I'm furious with Republicans, because they have dropped the ball, but at least they didn't lose all their Congressional seats. Republicans have no one to blame but themselves. They've had their chance to make things better and they haven't but the Democrat controlled Congress has even lower approval ratings than President Bush. People say that this country is already socialist in terms of taking from the rich (taxes) and giving to the poor (welfare). Well, of course I can only speak for myself here, but I don't want one single dime that I haven't earned. I'm in a good place right now, but I haven't always been. I've been dead broke. Totally dependent on my family and friends for a place to sleep sometimes. Did I cry about how awful and unfair the world was? Did I get in line for welfare and food stamps? No. I got off my ass and got a job. And then another one. I worked two and sometimes three crappy jobs to scrape together enough to get by. Then I did the best thing I'd ever done to that point in my life....I signed on the dotted line to put on the uniform. And that was when things started turning around for me. I have zero problem paying my fair share and I have no problem helping those less fortunate than me. Let ME be the one to decide who, how much, and how often.

Winston Churchill said it well : the inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings. The inherent vice of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

Communism and socialism don't work. Ask the Russians. If those type of systems are so great, why are not more of the most successful, most powerful nations on earth jumping on the bandwagon?

I bet the Second Amendment will be the first to go. The husband was half-jokingly talking about buying a couple more guns before they are outlawed and today I told him he better hurry.

The race for 2012 has just started. Let's hope Conservatives can offer something a little better this time around.

You know....

tomorrow is election day. I m optimistic but I am also a realist. I believe the race is going to be closer than people think, in the end, but I am hopeful that Barack Obama is not our next president. I don't really put too much stock in polls. People say one thing and do another all the time. People don't want to be seen as racist so they will pretend to support Obama when they are really undecided or if they just don't like him for whatever reason.

I can admit when I am wrong. It's difficult but I can do it. If Obama gets elected, and proves me wrong in what I believe he is all about, in what his plans are for this country, I will be the first to admit it. I am well aware that there is a very good chance he may be the next President, but it's not a done deal yet. I am, however, a little afraid of the reaction of some groups of people if their candidate is not the winner. Passions have run really high in this election, and people are less inhibited about letting their passions rule their actions.

Speaking of being able to admit when I am wrong, I'll admit that I was starstruck by Sarah Palin. I am less excited about her than I was when she first burst onto the political scene, but I still think she is a damn sight better than Joe Biden. Joe Biden needs to go back to high-school sophomore year History class, and learn a few things before he spouts off. Yeah, he's got all this experience and is considered a subject matter expert on foreign policy but he's been wrong on most of it. Sarah Palin is a politician. I got so excited about her because she is someone who could be your kid's best friend's mom. She might be in the next pew at your church. She might be the woman you struck up a conversation with in line at Target. She seems very down to earth, very accessible, and it's a nice change from elitist politicians who don't drive themselves to Starbucks, let alone drive themselves to work every day. Yes, of course the leader of the free world needs to be more sophisticated and educated and experienced than the average mom at Target. But that is the beauty of being VICE President. Yeah, in theory, she needs to be able to step up to the plate at any given moment. But it hasn't happened that often in history that the VP had to take over, and in the meantime, she has the invaluable opportunity to learn at the President's right hand.

Like her or not, you have to admit she is a politician, a good one, and a quick study. She may not have the years of experience (neither does Obama) but she does have the intestinal fortitude to step up and get things done. And neocon rightwing nutjob that I am, I agree with many of her conservative ideals.

Anyway, I would MUCH rather have John McCain as my Commander in Chief than Barack Obama. If Obama becomes the President, I will watch and listen carefully, and I will respect the office just like I did when Bill Clinton was President and I was wearing the uniform. It isn't wise to be a one-issue voter, and I don't think I am, but it's tough not to view politics through the lens of military service. It's part of who I am, and I can't separate it.

A note about third party candidates. I like Bob Barr, and I agree with much of what he says he stands for. But he, frankly, hasn't got a snowball's chance in hell of winning. I've been wrestling with the question of whether I vote my conscience or do I vote against Obama. Sadly, for me, this election has come down to the choice of who I dislike the least. I have a healthy dislike for Obama, so I guess I'm not voting for him. I like McCain better, but I don't love him. I like Bob Barr the best, I think, but until third parties get a better foothold in this country, to vote for one is purely symbolic, since there's so little chance of a third party victory. I dislike Obama enough that I am not willing to simply make a statement this time around. I want my vote to mean something, and what I want it to say is, I don't want Barack Obama to be President.

Still feeling down, different reasons

I'm still feeling kind of down...a few days ago, it was over the loss, or more accurately, the realization of the loss of what I thought were two good friendships. Today I'm feeling down over our decision to put the oldest offspring on meds for ADHD. I have really mixed feelings about it. I feel certain that he needs something to help him but I thought if we worked hard enough at it, we wouldn't need to take meds. I am feeling like it is a result of things I've done, or failed to do, as a parent. Logically, I know that isn't true but it sure feels like I failed him somehow, that he needs meds.

I hit the wall last week, when he had gotten in trouble at school and lost recess time for not only that day, but next day as well. I asked him what happened, and when the story came out, I sort of lost it. He was behaving totally inappropriately, and doing things that will not be tolerated, nor should they be. When I asked him why he made the choice to do things he knew he shouldn't do, he couldn't answer me. Now, in all fairness, he was probably at least a little scared by that point because the volume was seriously raised in our conversation. Maybe I overreacted and maybe I didn't, but the fact remains that he did some things that could end up in him getting in a lot of trouble, and I don't want to diminish that reality for him. I WANT him to be a little scared of getting in trouble, and scared of crossing the line.

So, I have a call in to the pediatrician, who will prescribe the meds. We'll go for a consult as soon as we can get in. On the one hand, I feel resigned and maybe a little relieved. On the other hand, I feel like I failed. But I'm not really conflicted about whether to start the meds. I feel now, that if I don't do it, I'd be withholding treatment for him. I've been feeling like maybe I'm just too lax with him, and haven't been as good at guiding him and setting up structure as I should have been. But maybe, even if I'd been a drill sergeant with him, it wouldn't have mattered. Parenting, good or bad, doesn't really change brain chemistry does it?

What I need to do it stop feeling sorry for myself and for him and get on with doing what needs to be done. It could be so much worse....I'm not taking him to dialysis or chemo twice a week, for crying out loud. The poor kid is already something of a square peg. I know too well what it feels like to be the oddball in a given group, and I so don't want my kids to have to feel like that. As a parent it is difficult to see your child struggle, and although you know that challenges and struggles build character and make us who we are, you also know it sucks to struggle and you want to make things easier for your kid.

He'll come out ok....he'll learn to cope and maybe he'll always need meds and maybe he won't. But he will be just fine, and he'll be stronger for the challenge. I've always viewed him a little sensitive and not as tough as his brothers. But he's always surprised me too, with how well he adapts and handles things. This is so totally my issue and not his. Come on, Mom, put on your big girl pants and deal.